Sometimes stuff sneaks up on me and I didn’t know it was bothering me until I’m a crying hot mess. That happened today. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed this semester. And it’s not even that my class load is all that difficult. I think I’ve got a grasp on things as far as the content of the class. I don’t even mind doing homework. It’s the fact that I don’t see Aubree much, even less than normal, which is something I have always struggled with. I hate that I have to work full time and be away from her. I never thought I would want to be a stay at home mom, but I kinda do. I want to work, but I don’t want to spend so much time away from Aubree. And it seems to be affecting not just me, but her too. She is so clingy lately and when I don’t get to daycare right at five (which is never) she apparently gets really distressed. She doesn’t know why other kids are getting picked up and she’s not yet. And I’m talking, I get there at 5:15 or 5:20 and she is already a MESS. And the daycare workers are soooooo helpful. “She just cries for you whenever a parent comes in and it’s not you.” Thanks… I didn’t feel bad enough already.
We get to hang out on Monday and Friday and Saturday and Sunday. And she may or may not be in a decent mood any of those days. Saturday she can start off in a great mood, and then after nap time she is a whiny mess, so then I’m annoyed and she’s whining and it’s just awful. Tuesday and Thursday I race to daycare, race home, throw her at the babysitter and then race back to campus for class. She’s already in bed by the time I get home and I miss her. I miss her sweet little face when I don’t get to see it very much. And I feel like we eat like crap. I grab whatever here and there and sometimes the only thing she will eat is a granola bar… I’m sure none of that helps our moods. Wednesday we have church. I love going to class and church, but why are there not more hours in the day and the proportionate amount of energy provided to handle all that! I don’t know when I’m supposed to get everything done and it’s getting to me.
And then on top of all that, there’s my incredible pride and lack of ability to ask for help, even the help I know I’m entitled to, and having to break down and ask for it just pisses me off. Like… LIVID. And having to deal with people who don’t care about me, don’t care about Aubree, don’t even care about their own jobs cause they have to deal with people like… well… me. That precipitated a very tearful conversation with one of my good friends, who at the end of it said “You need to call your counselor… now.” And I did… I have an appointment this week so I can keep from feeling like I might spontaneously combust…
I think the people around me think I’m crazy, and I sort of wonder if they’re right today.