If you have ever read Eat, Pray, Love you’ll know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t man you’re missing out. I’m currently reading it for a class assignment. It is my all time favorite autobiography. Sometimes, sometimes it hits a little too close to home. Sometimes, I swear I’m Elizabeth Gilbert… minus the traveling the world, sadly. (Not so sadly, I love my life by and large.)
There’s this chapter in the book, though, that gets me every damn time. It’s the chapter where she talks about Depression and Loneliness tailing her home and relentlessly interrogating her. Asking her why she deserves to be happy when she couldn’t get her life together and how dare she ruin her marriage.
Wait… you mean I didn’t write that? Then how am I living it. I know Depression and Loneliness. I think mostly I’ve sent them packing. Loneliness tries to invade my life occasionally, but I have more effective coping mechanisms these days.
It’s Fear and Confusion that are tailing me right now, taking up space in my mind despite my best efforts to fight them off. And let me tell you. I. FIGHT. Today I’m losing though. I’m so close to having yet another elephant taken down and they’re just getting in the way. They have interrupted my hunt. And they both look like Andrew!! It’s not fair. They have these mean snarling faces. Fear likes to remind me of my failures and tell me how I’m screwing up my daughter’s life and how she’ll hate me for it. He also has me convinced that I’m pretty much the most selfish person on the planet. And he laughs when he tells me these things.
Confusion must be his twin brother, since they both look so alike. Sometimes I can’t tell them apart. Confusion uses Fear’s tactics of reminding me of my failures to make my brain all fuzzy. He twists the facts until I can’t tell if I’m up or down, wrong or right, left or right… You get it. I want them to go away. They pretty much have me all messed up today. I’ve chewed the insides of my lips all raw. I know I’m worrying about stuff prematurely, but this elephant is such a big elephant. It will change mine and Aubree’s lives forever. I can’t let Fear and Confusion slow me down, and sometimes I just don’t know how to clear my head.
(On a side note, there’s a guy with a REALLY foul mouth and who seems very aggressive in the SUB and so that must be my cue to leave. More on this later.)