Monthly Archives: February 2014

Stuff Sneaks Up

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Sometimes stuff sneaks up on me and I didn’t know it was bothering me until I’m a crying hot mess.  That happened today.  I’ve been feeling overwhelmed this semester.  And it’s not even that my class load is all that difficult.  I think I’ve got a grasp on things as far as the content of the class.  I don’t even mind doing homework.  It’s the fact that I don’t see Aubree much, even less than normal, which is something I have always struggled with.  I hate that I have to work full time and be away from her.  I never thought I would want to be a stay at home mom, but I kinda do.  I want to work, but I don’t want to spend so much time away from Aubree.  And it seems to be affecting not just me, but her too.  She is so clingy lately and when I don’t get to daycare right at five (which is never) she apparently gets really distressed.  She doesn’t know why other kids are getting picked up and she’s not yet.  And I’m talking, I get there at 5:15 or 5:20 and she is already a MESS.  And the daycare workers are soooooo helpful.  “She just cries for you whenever a parent comes in and it’s not you.”  Thanks… I didn’t feel bad enough already.

We get to hang out on Monday and Friday and Saturday and Sunday.  And she may or may not be in a decent mood any of those days.  Saturday she can start off in a great mood, and then after nap time she is a whiny mess, so then I’m annoyed and she’s whining and it’s just awful.  Tuesday and Thursday I race to daycare, race home, throw her at the babysitter and then race back to campus for class.  She’s already in bed by the time I get home and I miss her.  I miss her sweet little face when I don’t get to see it very much.  And I feel like we eat like crap.  I grab whatever here and there and sometimes the only thing she will eat is a granola bar…  I’m sure none of that helps our moods.  Wednesday we have church.  I love going to class and church, but why are there not more hours in the day and the proportionate amount of energy provided to handle all that!  I don’t know when I’m supposed to get everything done and it’s getting to me.

And then on top of all that, there’s my incredible pride and lack of ability to ask for help, even the help I know I’m entitled to, and having to break down and ask for it just pisses me off.  Like… LIVID.  And having to deal with people who don’t care about me, don’t care about Aubree, don’t even care about their own jobs cause they have to deal with people like… well… me.  That precipitated a very tearful conversation with one of my good friends, who at the end of it said “You need to call your counselor… now.”  And I did… I have an appointment this week so I can keep from feeling like I might spontaneously combust…

I think the people around me think I’m crazy, and I sort of wonder if they’re right today.

Who would you be if you weren’t who you are?

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A dear friend and I were talking about this the other day and I have been ruminating on it ever since. (I love the word “ruminating.” It has to be one of my favorites.) I can’t speak for my friend, but she had a very interesting description of who she would be. I’ve been thinking about who I would be. Don’t get me wrong, I like who I am. And, I have made myself more fun, what with the blonde hair and the tattoos and the nose piercing. I like the look. It makes me feel edgy. I’ve never been edgy, and I feel edgy, which makes me sassy, and I like it. But I feel like I’ve always been, and still mostly am, the girl next door. I have to maintain at least a semi-professional appearance. The nose piercing and the wrist tattoo may be pushing it a little. So, I have to dress business casual, my hair has to be groomed, and not a crazy color, and makeup is usually strongly recommended. (Didn’t happen today, but you win some, you lose some.) Who would I be if I wasn’t who I am? I think I’d be lots of people.

First, which is not so much of a stretch, I’d be a horseback riding, hair flying in the wind, boot wearing, cowgirl. I’d rope those little doggies till the cows came home, with a thick Texan twang and all. I have the boots and the twang. I’m lacking the horseback riding, hair flying thing. Oh, and also the roping, but I sure think it would be fun.

Second, I’d be a sleeve tattooed, lip pierced, eyebrow pierced, dark eyeliner, guitar ripping, sassiest rock girl ever. Unfortunately I am lacking in any discernible musical talent. My profession won’t really allow the sleeve, but it doesn’t keep me from wanting it.

Third, I would be an organized, empowered, career woman, soccer mom extraordinaire. I mean I’m a mom and I’m on a career path… but organized, pfft. It’s never going to happen. I’m a tornado.

Fourth, I’d be a crafty, creative, Susie Homemaker, stay at home mom. That actually may be my dream persona. Even more than the rocker girl. She gets to spend a whole lot of time with Aubree, and that’s my favorite.

I’m pretty great too. I think I have some of the components of all those people. I’d have to. They came from my imagination! So I will be the boot wearing, twangy, tattooed, nose pierced, career oriented, crafty, bakey, awesome (hopefully) momma. She kinda rocks. Sometimes she’s a hot mess, but I like her. I’ll keep her. She’s probably who I would be if I wasn’t who I am. Even though she is who I am!!

Who would you be if you weren’t who you are? How many versions of you are there? Time for some self reflection, kids!

Fear and Confusion

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If you have ever read Eat, Pray, Love you’ll know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t man you’re missing out. I’m currently reading it for a class assignment. It is my all time favorite autobiography. Sometimes, sometimes it hits a little too close to home. Sometimes, I swear I’m Elizabeth Gilbert… minus the traveling the world, sadly. (Not so sadly, I love my life by and large.)

There’s this chapter in the book, though, that gets me every damn time. It’s the chapter where she talks about Depression and Loneliness tailing her home and relentlessly interrogating her. Asking her why she deserves to be happy when she couldn’t get her life together and how dare she ruin her marriage.

Wait… you mean I didn’t write that? Then how am I living it. I know Depression and Loneliness. I think mostly I’ve sent them packing. Loneliness tries to invade my life occasionally, but I have more effective coping mechanisms these days.

It’s Fear and Confusion that are tailing me right now, taking up space in my mind despite my best efforts to fight them off. And let me tell you. I. FIGHT. Today I’m losing though. I’m so close to having yet another elephant taken down and they’re just getting in the way. They have interrupted my hunt. And they both look like Andrew!! It’s not fair. They have these mean snarling faces. Fear likes to remind me of my failures and tell me how I’m screwing up my daughter’s life and how she’ll hate me for it. He also has me convinced that I’m pretty much the most selfish person on the planet. And he laughs when he tells me these things.

Confusion must be his twin brother, since they both look so alike. Sometimes I can’t tell them apart. Confusion uses Fear’s tactics of reminding me of my failures to make my brain all fuzzy. He twists the facts until I can’t tell if I’m up or down, wrong or right, left or right… You get it. I want them to go away. They pretty much have me all messed up today. I’ve chewed the insides of my lips all raw. I know I’m worrying about stuff prematurely, but this elephant is such a big elephant. It will change mine and Aubree’s lives forever. I can’t let Fear and Confusion slow me down, and sometimes I just don’t know how to clear my head.

(On a side note, there’s a guy with a REALLY foul mouth and who seems very aggressive in the SUB and so that must be my cue to leave. More on this later.)