One of the best things about my experience as a mommy is that I really don’t have to share it with anyone. Aubree’s raising is pretty much all on me, and I kinda like it that way. Maybe I’m selfish, but I enjoy not having to share the responsibility. Sure it would be nice to occasionally have some backup, but I really am the type of person that takes charge with that kind of thing and I truly don’t think I would ask that often. (Is that terrible??) I don’t have to consult on discipline, I make the choices about her health, her clothes, her hair, where she’ll go to school, what she’ll do in school when she’s younger, and I don’t have to argue with anyone. I relish in that. But let’s face it…. Aubree and I are not a typical family. We make it, and we rock, but we’re not what is considered “normal.” So when one of the younger kids asked me in church the other day (and this is the second time something like this has come up) (WHY DO KIDS ASK SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!!!) “Does Aubree have a dad?” I responded “NO!” … “Yes… NO!” And then hung my head in shame because I didn’t know how to answer the question. Why was I ashamed?! I sure didn’t do anything wrong. And Aubree is awesome. She doesn’t need a dad! She’s got me! And I’m awesome! That doesn’t make the question any less complicated. What am I going to do when SHE asks me… I don’t want to deal with this. Is she going to hate me because she doesn’t have a dad? Or will she be ok cause I’m what she knows. I mean we rock along fine now, but is she going to be jealous of kids on the playground for having something she doesn’t have?
Too many questions running around in my dumb little girl brain. I just want her to be happy and not feel like she’s missing something. And I feel responsible for making up what she is missing even though I didn’t take it from her. It’s so frustrating.
ETA: I wrote this a couple of days ago and I’m just now brave enough to post it.