Woohoo! It definitely wasn’t the worst semester ever, but it for sure was one of the more frustrating semesters. I learned a lot about myself, that’s for sure. I took Family Counseling, which I was not stoked about. Especially since right when the semester started, my little family, that I had been trying so hard to keep together, fell apart. Literally. I told Andrew I wanted a divorce and a week later classes started. I spend a great deal of the semester feeling like I should drop the class. I am still learning how to not let people get to me. That’s a hard lesson. Especially when there are people who know you well enough to know how to push every single button you have. Or how to trigger every bad memory of your whole life even though they weren’t there for them. Andrew has spent a big part of the last five months telling me what a bad mother I am and how unstable I am, and how can I ethically be a counselor when I let my family fall apart. I LET MY FAMILY fall apart. Let that one wash over you. I had to. It consumed me for a while. I struggled a lot with guilt early on this semester. Of MY failures. I finally realized that I didn’t fail. And now that the semester is over, I really feel like I came out on top. Although, I didn’t feel like it much the last week when I was scrambling to get all my work done.
In spite of EVERYTHING that happened this semester, I got an A in my class. I was 15 points shy of having a perfect score. That’s it. That’s AMAZING! As far as my standing as a mother goes, I’m an excellent mother. Aubree is happy and healthy and fantastic. My mental state is so much better than it was 6 months ago. I’m a normal functioning person again. Moreover, I’m happy with who I am outside of anyone else. I don’t NEED anyone to validate my existence anymore. Although occasionally being called beautiful, or cute, or sweet or whatever is never remiss. But now I already know those things. They’re nice to hear, but they’re not news to me anymore. I’m a catch. As far as becoming a counselor goes and being ethical… well let’s just say, I’m the productive member of society here.
I am closer to my family and friends than I have been in years. I’m happier with ME than I ever have been. I’m doing the things that make ME happy for the first time, I think since high school. Don’t get me wrong. I love, love, love doing things for other people. But I don’t love doing them at the expense of what makes me happy. It’s so nice to get to be happy while I’m making others happy. There really should be some kind of give and take there, right? I’m the closest to God that I ever have been. My daughter is fantastic and I’m so proud that she gets to watch me follow a dream.
Which brings me to something else. My dreams are very different than they were, but they’re not broken and dead anymore. What a blessing that is. I also came to the realization that it’s not up to anyone to make my dreams come true anymore. It’s only up to me. I have chosen to make the best of this situation. I struggle still sometimes. Don’t we all, though? The key, though, was to realize these struggles are temporary. The people trying to keep ya down, are just the ones who don’t have anything better to do than make you feel bad about yourself because they feel bad about themselves.
So! To sum it up, I survived the semester, Aubree is still surviving me, and I’m rockin this grad program so far! 4.0 GPA maintained! #BOOM Ha! Let’s see how I do in the summer with an 8-10 am class (everyday) and then an online class second session. There may not be as big of a #BOOM then. (Say a prayer for me if you get the chance!)
Good luck to all those taking finals this next week, also!!