Monthly Archives: May 2013

I’m Annoyed

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I’m annoyed.  I’m trying not to be, but I am.  I’m freakin ANNOYED!!  (Which vaguely reminds me of the episode of Golden Girls where Blanche comes in saying “I’m devastated…. just devastated… absolutely DEVASTATED.”)  I’m sick to death of being asked why I’m no longer the girl I was when I was 17.  “I know that girl is in there somewhere!”  No she’s not!  That girl grew up.  She matured, handled life, handled her business, got her shit together and moved on.  I don’t WANT to be that girl anymore!!  That girl was annoying.  She was silly, immature, inexperienced, traumatized, emotionally stunted and just dumb.  I’m so much more happy with who I am now!  I am a mother and a gainful member of society!  I’m getting a degree that I feel like I’ll be fantastic at, working a job I love, I own my own house and I’m paying (most) of my bills all on my own.  I have learned how to cope with things without having a teenage tantrum, I’m no longer emotionally stunted, I know how to allow myself to be angry, afraid or sad.  I can ask people for help for the first time in my whole life.  I can do what I want, when I want (so long as it’s not around Baby Girl’s nap/bedtime), I have friends that hung around and waited for me to quit being a moron.  Things are going really well for 27 year old Stephenie.  Looking back on it, 17 was kinda fun, but way not worth repeating.  Ever.  I’d like to not be dragged back into that anymore.  Why do people insist on doing it??

I’ve decided this is why I can’t get behind high school reunions.  If I wanted to talk to those people,the people from 17-18 year old me time, I WOULD!!  I do talk to the ones I’m interested in talking to.  Which summed up is…two… consistently.  I have my friends on Facebook that I keep up with and then two, TWO friends I talk to consistently.  Because I’m not interested in going back to that time of my life!  What do I have to prove?  Nothin.  I don’t feel like this time of my life needs those people in it.  If they were that important, they would be in it.

I wish this didn’t annoy me so much, but damn it does.

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Ooh Aah Feelin Good

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So, part of my personal reform has been to get myself in shape.  I was losing weight and inches, partially from chasing around an increasingly active baby and just not having a lot of time/not remembering to eat.  I plateaued out on that, and it’s just not healthy, so I decided it was time to get serious about 6 or 7 weeks ago about working out.  My sweet friend Kyla has been coming over and working out with me every night.  It’s so awesome of her to do that, since she comes over after Baby Girl goes to bed.  Otherwise, I dunno how I would do it.  She’s very motivating.  We got out of the habit (well I did, both of us were busy, she still found time to workout though.  Band me!!) and I haven’t worked out in about a week and a half.  Eek!  It’s amazing how quickly you can get out of shape!  Cause I was.  We did our butt workout, and we increase it periodically.  Well Kyla decided we’d just stay where we were since we hadn’t done it in a while.  Oh goodness, thought I was gonna die!  I should have, at the very least, been doin that one on my own.  I have no excuse!  Gah.

I had been feeling so blah and fat the last few days.  It’s amazing what working out, just once even, can do for your self esteem.  I’m feelin way better today.  Sassy and in a skirt!  For the first time in my whole life I’m loving my legs and arms!  Definitely have to keep the working out up.

And then this all just causes me to break into song, cause I’m an uber dork like that.

Ignore the subtitles… but that’s how I feel today!

Humbling Moments

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I’m having a few of those lately. Mother’s Day was kind of one of them. It was pretty low key, which definitely suits me. I got to see almost all my favorite people and ended the evening crocheting. That’s a perfect day to me. I don’t even remember last Mother’s Day which is so sad cause it was my first. I do know that I’m much happier this year and that is just very humbling. It reminds me that it really can always get worse.

Today I found out I’m getting a $2000 grant for my summer classes. Tech still pays for me to take one class a semester, so that’s basically $1000 in my pocket for books and living in general. This is such a blessing because the money elephant has been chasin me down the last few days. That big green sucker was about to catch me and get the best of me too. And money isn’t something I can talk about until I’m either in full on crisis mode or everything is better.

It’s humbling to be reminded that I didn’t need to worry. My needs are being taken care of. God heard my cries. And then I realized that I had been praying without any hope of help. How terrible is that! I asked Him for something but didn’t really believe He would provide. Bad. BAD!! God is always faithful to my needs. I should have been more faithful to Him.

I kinda burst into tears over this. I was just so overwhelmed! And then I spilled diet coke all over my white shirt and had to go home and change. Also a humbling moment. I mean what else can you do after all that good news and then to PROVE I’m a hot mess. I just laughed.

Qué será, será.

I Survived the Semester!

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Woohoo!  It definitely wasn’t the worst semester ever, but it for sure was one of the more frustrating semesters.  I learned a lot about myself, that’s for sure.  I took Family Counseling, which I was not stoked about.  Especially since right when the semester started, my little family, that I had been trying so hard to keep together, fell apart.  Literally.  I told Andrew I wanted a divorce and a week later classes started.  I spend a great deal of the semester feeling like I should drop the class.  I am still learning how to not let people get to me.  That’s a hard lesson.  Especially when there are people who know you well enough to know how to push every single button you have.  Or how to trigger every bad memory of your whole life even though they weren’t there for them.  Andrew has spent a big part of the last five months telling me what a bad mother I am and how unstable I am, and how can I ethically be a counselor when I let my family fall apart.  I LET MY FAMILY fall apart.  Let that one wash over you.  I had to.  It consumed me for a while.  I struggled a lot with guilt early on this semester.  Of MY failures.  I finally realized that I didn’t fail.  And now that the semester is over, I really feel like I came out on top.  Although, I didn’t feel like it much the last week when I was scrambling to get all my work done.

In spite of EVERYTHING that happened this semester, I got an A in my class.  I was 15 points shy of having  a perfect score.  That’s it.  That’s AMAZING!  As far as my standing as a mother goes, I’m an excellent mother.  Aubree is happy and healthy and fantastic.  My mental state is so much better than it was 6 months ago.  I’m a normal functioning person again.  Moreover, I’m happy with who I am outside of anyone else.  I don’t NEED anyone to validate my existence anymore.  Although occasionally being called beautiful, or cute, or sweet or whatever is never remiss.  But now I already know those things.  They’re nice to hear, but they’re not news to me anymore.  I’m a catch.  As far as becoming a counselor goes and being ethical… well let’s just say, I’m the productive member of society here.

I am closer to my family and friends than I have been in years.  I’m happier with ME than I ever have been.  I’m doing the things that make ME happy for the first time, I think since high school.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love, love, love doing things for other people.  But I don’t love doing them at the expense of what makes me happy.  It’s so nice to get to be happy while I’m making others happy.  There really should be some kind of give and take there, right?  I’m the closest to God that I ever have been.  My daughter is fantastic and I’m so proud that she gets to watch me follow a dream.

Which brings me to something else.  My dreams are very different than they were, but they’re not broken and dead anymore.  What a blessing that is.  I also came to the realization that it’s not up to anyone to make my dreams come true anymore.  It’s only up to me.  I have chosen to make the best of this situation.  I struggle still sometimes.  Don’t we all, though?  The key, though, was to realize these struggles are temporary.  The people trying to keep ya down, are just the ones who don’t have anything better to do than make you feel bad about yourself because they feel bad about themselves.

So!  To sum it up, I survived the semester, Aubree is still surviving me, and I’m rockin this grad program so far!  4.0 GPA maintained!  #BOOM  Ha! Let’s see how I do in the summer with an 8-10 am class (everyday) and then an online class second session.  There may not be as big of a #BOOM then.  (Say a prayer for me if you get the chance!)

Good luck to all those taking finals this next week, also!!