I posted this weekend about the darkness. I thought I had come out of it, but Monday morning brought a fresh wave of it. The protection of emotional stuntedness that I covered myself with over the weekend was gone too, and I was faced with full on anger. That is an emotion I have a hard time with. I usually avoid it because it’s not easy to control. I try not to let myself get out of control. I have the propensity to get REALLY out of control when I’m mad. I thought in order to “fix” that was to just not let myself feel the anger. Well that doesn’t work. Cause what happens when you bottle up anger? Ya just explode all over everything. It’s awful. So I let myself feel the anger yesterday. In fact, I spent a great deal of yesterday just mad as hell. I was quiet, but it wasn’t awful. I mean I didn’t feel great, but I wasn’t out of control and I wasn’t just down right mean to anyone. I was even able to smile about the things that make me happy. I was able to take care of the business involving my divorce, even. When asked, I acknowledged I was angry with how things were going and then we moved on to get it done. That made me feel good.
A good friend took me out to lunch, and that helped. I needed that time to be angry yesterday. Today I woke up feeling much better. I get to see my momma this weekend, and my sister tonight. (Was supposed to have a lunch date, but that got cancelled. There’s a rain check though, so I’m satisfied with that.) I’ve got good music going, I totally rocked my workout last night, I’m good to go today.
I feel like even when I’m angry, I’m in such a better place than I used to be. It was so exhausting faking how I felt all the time. I don’t ever want to be that shell of a person again. I want to be alive and real. Messy and frustrating! I tell people all the time that I’m a hot mess, and you know what. I’m okay with it. I’m embracing the hot mess. It makes me happy. I’m even letting my hair reflect it a little these days! Also… I’m a totally different person than I was 3 months ago. THREE months, and I don’t look anything like I used to. I just still can’t believe how dead my eyes were. I hardly ever put pictures in here, but the first picture was taken December 30 and the second today. So different.
Maybe it’s just me. I think I look different! I sure feel different. People started saying I looked different, and then shortly after I started feeling different. I feel great. No more shell Stephenie who is so angry she can’t hardly function. No more just surviving. I have my moments where I feel like all I’m doing is surviving. But they’re fleeting and I have a good support system to get me through. I love it. I love my life right now. I need to keep this up!