I posted this weekend about the darkness. I thought I had come out of it, but Monday morning brought a fresh wave of it. The protection of emotional stuntedness that I covered myself with over the weekend was gone too, and I was faced with full on anger. That is an emotion I have a hard time with. I usually avoid it because it’s not easy to control. I try not to let myself get out of control. I have the propensity to get REALLY out of control when I’m mad. I thought in order to “fix” that was to just not let myself feel the anger. Well that doesn’t work. Cause what happens when you bottle up anger? Ya just explode all over everything. It’s awful. So I let myself feel the anger yesterday. In fact, I spent a great deal of yesterday just mad as hell. I was quiet, but it wasn’t awful. I mean I didn’t feel great, but I wasn’t out of control and I wasn’t just down right mean to anyone. I was even able to smile about the things that make me happy. I was able to take care of the business involving my divorce, even. When asked, I acknowledged I was angry with how things were going and then we moved on to get it done. That made me feel good.
A good friend took me out to lunch, and that helped. I needed that time to be angry yesterday. Today I woke up feeling much better. I get to see my momma this weekend, and my sister tonight. (Was supposed to have a lunch date, but that got cancelled. There’s a rain check though, so I’m satisfied with that.) I’ve got good music going, I totally rocked my workout last night, I’m good to go today.
I feel like even when I’m angry, I’m in such a better place than I used to be. It was so exhausting faking how I felt all the time. I don’t ever want to be that shell of a person again. I want to be alive and real. Messy and frustrating! I tell people all the time that I’m a hot mess, and you know what. I’m okay with it. I’m embracing the hot mess. It makes me happy. I’m even letting my hair reflect it a little these days! Also… I’m a totally different person than I was 3 months ago. THREE months, and I don’t look anything like I used to. I just still can’t believe how dead my eyes were. I hardly ever put pictures in here, but the first picture was taken December 30 and the second today. So different.
Maybe it’s just me. I think I look different! I sure feel different. People started saying I looked different, and then shortly after I started feeling different. I feel great. No more shell Stephenie who is so angry she can’t hardly function. No more just surviving. I have my moments where I feel like all I’m doing is surviving. But they’re fleeting and I have a good support system to get me through. I love it. I love my life right now. I need to keep this up!
It’s so amazing to me that I can have such a fantastic evening on Friday and then on Saturday it gets all shot to sh…. well you know. How can he still have such a hold on me that he can control my emotions without even lifting a finger?! Really this is just a bump in the road. It doesn’t keep anything from proceeding, I still have a lawyer and he still doesn’t. I am still out and free and he’s still locked up. I’m still the one who gets to spend everyday learning and growing with Aubree and he doesn’t.
Because of this “control” he seems to have over me… I woke up deep in the darkness this morning. It was covering me head to toe. And it was apparently apparent all over my face when I walked into church this morning. Fortunately God was talking through my preacher this morning and said everything I needed to hear about enduring and leaning on God in times of trouble. Yes my life is going to be hard sometimes. Yes I’m going to have more than I can handle. But I’m going to walk with God. I’m going to let him comfort me in those times. I’m glad my crisis happened on a Saturday and I could get into my church on Sunday to feel better. I’m glad that I’m provided a place that can so lift the darkness set upon me by the actions of others. I’m glad that I don’t have to suffer alone or let it consume me.
After church, I felt uplifted and better in my soul. Hopefully people could tell that the darkness was lifted off of me. In a bit we’re off to a birthday party, get to see my sister and bestest friends. It’s gonna be great. 🙂
(I’m holding a mirror as I write this, just so everyone knows.)
Quit! Quit choosing the men who treat you like dirt. The ones who talk to you like you’re worth nothing more than a piece of a$$. Quit giving them your precious, precious time. They sure aren’t worth it. Quit giving them chances after they screw it up the first time, the second time, the third time. Quit letting them get that third opportunity to hurt you. Once I get… twice I get. Three times is too many. Quit believing their apologies and promises. If they didn’t fix it after the second time, by the third time, they just know they can say those sweet words to you and you’ll come running. Gentlemen don’t start with sexual innuendos. They start with conversation. Real, get to know you conversation. They ask you for pictures of your smile because it makes them smile. Not of your butt or your boobs because… well we all know what that does. Quit being a piece of meat or a game for them. If they’re just chasing you because they want to get laid, you’ll feel it. Go with that gut feeling!! It will tell you what you already know, what you know and aren’t listening to! If you hear that voice in your head saying “Get out,” GET OUT!! Quit settling for the guys who don’t treat you like you deserve. If he isn’t willing to woo you, and he just wants to hang out at home, right from the beginning, no, he’s not worth it. Hanging out at home after a while comes from being comfortable. Doing it right from the beginning comes from laziness and them realizing that they don’t have to work for it. Make them work for it!!!
Men. Grow up. MAN UP. Start treating us the way we deserve! Woo us. We’re worth it. We’re sweet and vulnerable, and we need someone to show us we’re valuable!
Women, when the men man up and open the door for you, try to woo you, put effort into making you feel like you’re worth something, FREAKING SAY THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
This is a rather random rant. Hope you enjoyed. I’m gonna go bang my head on my desk.
I forgive you. I forgive all the hurts you EVER put on me. I forgive you because they don’t matter anymore. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing for the forgiver. I don’t have to carry around any anger anymore.
Thank you for helping make me into the person I am today because I’m better than I’ve ever been. Thank you for forcing me to rely on others outside of myself. Thank you for making it to where I HAD to rely on God to get through. Thank you for making me realize how much I deserve and that I have to be happy with myself.
Thank you for providing me the opportunity to find out just how much I can do on my own, and that I don’t need a man for anything (although having someone to mow my lawn wouldn’t be remiss). Thank you for pushing me into a place where I can accomplish so many good things.
Thank you for making me face and work through my anger. Thank you for putting me in a position that I had to get help and now I can work through and acknowledge my feelings in a healthy way. Thank you for making me free myself from my own chains. Thank you for putting me in a position to have to truly forgive you.
The first foray into dating seems to have been a bust. I’m not sure if I got blown off or forgotten or what, but getting all dressed up for no reason really pissed me off. Is this how adult dating goes? A guy acts really into you, asks you out, and then gets “sick” or flat forgets you? If that’s the case, I’m so not into this. I do not have time for that! (Insert requisite, virally popular “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” meme here.) I don’t know how adult dating goes, and it scares me. And I don’t know what I want in a man really, I suppose. I know what I don’t want. That one is easy. What I do want is hard! I want to be wined and dined, darnit! I deserve that. I deserve someone to be SO into me that they want to take me out. Woo me. I deserve that! I deserve to not always have to pay for everything either. This is stupid. It could possibly be the reason why I put off divorce for so long too. At least married I was… whatever. Miserable… but… not having to enter the terrifying world of dating.
I’m pretty sure I’m in too much of a hurry for my own good also. I’ve been abandoned for so long, I feel like. I’m so ready to move on. This is stupid! And it wasn’t the plan! And now there’s no plan and it makes me seriously uncomfortable. Gah!
I don’t know why it’s only occurring to me now to write this, but it is, so here you go.
Things never to say to a woman going through a divorce.
1) “I told you so.” You probably actually didn’t. You may have thought you did, or wanted to. You probably didn’t for fear of hurting my feelings when I married him. Or you just thought it so you could be on your high horse. Either way, it boils down to you being condescending. Also, saying “I told you so” is you assuming that you thought I made a mistake. If I did make a mistake, I sure don’t need anyone to tell me I did. And maybe I don’t think I made a mistake. And maybe I actually did not make a mistake. We all grow and learn. The people we are at the beginning of something are often very different than the people we are at the end of something. Did I mention it’s condescending? Well it is.
2) “I never liked him.” I so don’t care. It wasn’t your choice. You liking someone doesn’t mean that I’m necessarily not going to like him. If you didn’t like him, I promise, I’m probably already aware. This is not a comforting statement. It’s also… condescending. Like you’re saying your opinion (key word) matters more than mine here. It doesn’t. It always was and always will be my decision. Please just get over it.
3) “You can do better.” Thank you, while I appreciate the sentiment, it might not actually be that the person was such a bad person. At least not at the beginning of our relationship anyway. It goes back to people learning and growing and becoming different people. Sometimes that growth is not always the same, and sometimes it can’t always be sustained.
Things you could say instead.
1) “I’m sorry you’re having a rough time.” Seems pretty self explanatory. You offer your condolences in a safe, neutral way.
2) “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” This lets me know that I have supportive people around me. People to go to coffee with, or babysit if I need it, someone to just love on me when I’m down.
3) “I know some guys who know some guys.” This will just make me laugh. I can always use a good laugh.