We listened to a lecture today, I’m not sure when it was from. The speaker was a Dr. Pat Love (haha). She said something that hit me so profoundly I had to start this so I can process through it.
“The behaviors that save us psychically (psyche not psychic) as a child, become very inconvenient to is as adults.” Uh. Yeah! She went on to say that we go for people who either abandon us or engulf us because that’s what we expected as a child. I’m definitely in the engulfing category. I have allowed people to use me up as control me. They take all of who I am and then I’m left with nothing of myself.
How do I work through this and not allow it to happen anymore. How do I change the map of my brain to make sure I can find a balance between allowing people to use me up and pushing them away because I’m terrified of that happening?
It was a super interesting class to say the least.
Only if she can buy them for herself, I’ve decided. My preacher is helping me work through some things today and I want to write them down so I can remember this. It probably seems silly to anyone else. Hopefully he doesn’t think I’m silly, or at least if he does, he’s kind enough to keep it to himself. Which is good for me, cause I just don’t handle criticism that well.
I mentioned a while back that I was angry at my jewelry because most of it had been given to me by Andrew. Some people asked me about it, why I’d be mad at my jewelry, and “Don’t you think it’s just a little silly to be mad at your jewelry?” And I just keep thinking of that line from PS I Love you. “I need to pick up my shoes, they’re everywhere. They’re going to think I don’t love them.” I don’t love my jewelry right now. I’m so mad at it! I’m not really mad at it. I’m mad at Andrew. I’m mad that all my go-to reliable pieces were given to me by him and that none of them were given to me… well, by me!! Every day I look at my all time favorite cross necklace, the one I wear (wore) all the time and I just get mad because I can’t make myself put it on. What I should really do is put it up so I don’t have to look at it anymore. I’m a simple girl. I pretty much wear (wore) the same jewelry all the time. And every girl should have a piece of jewelry that goes with everything, in my opinion. I don’t anymore. I feel a little lost and exposed. I have an awesome button necklace from my momma that I wear as much as I can, and the washer necklace I got from my sister for Christmas. Those are great, but they’re pretty limited. I can’t wear them with t-shirts or all my dressy stuff. Most people don’t put this much thought into their jewelry, I’m sure. I do. I love jewelry. Something I got from my Gramma Jones. You’ve probably heard me say that it is completely acceptable to dump a man who has bad taste in jewelry. Yup, that’s from her. And yes I REALLY do believe it.
So what is the deeper meaning to all this? I relied too much on him and not enough on me. I have two (well three counting my watch) pieces of jewelry that I wear all the time now, that have been the same through the years, one more than the other even. They’re my rings. There’s my college ring (Wreck ‘Em Tech) that I’m insanely proud of. I earned that. It is ME. And my mother and sister wouldn’t let me wear it when Andrew and I got married. Guess what Mom and Kimberlee, you’ll have to pry it off my cold dead hand if there’s another go around. And then there’s my heart James Avery ring. I told Andrew I wanted it, and so you know what I did? I went out and got it. Me. Should have been a sign. It might be silly, but my jewelry is part of me being happy with me. I shouldn’t have to rely on someone (other than my family of course) to get me stuff that I want to/feel compelled to wear all the time. I should get it for myself. I’m gonna too, as soon as my birthday rolls around. I’m gonna find me that perfect piece. The piece that I can rely on and so when/if any other relationships end, my jewelry won’t piss me off. I’ll have the stuff that I picked, that I can always go to, because isn’t that the way it should be? At the end of the catastrophe, that’s all that’s left. Myself. Who would have thought my jewelry could have taught me that…
Stop laughing at me too. We all learn lessons in our own ways.