Monthly Archives: January 2013

Happiness

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Lots of people have commented on how happy I’ve looked lately.  That makes me happy that people care enough to notice the change in me, but it kind of makes me sad that there was a change to notice.  I feel like I have always had a lot to be thankful for.  I hope people never thought I was ungrateful.  I wasn’t.  I’m blessed by my daughter, my job, my family, my friends, my church, etc.  I’m also sad that I lost sight of the good things and let myself get so bogged down by someone else.  I’m never going to let that happen again, I can tell you that now!  My happiness shouldn’t be dependent on someone else.  It should just come from within me, no matter what.  I also shouldn’t have to FAKE being happy as much as I have had to in the last couple years.  No more faking.  It’s all or nothing now!  I just get more excited every day.  I just wish I didn’t have to be mad at my jewelry.  It’s not their fault…  That makes me angry because I don’t have as much to choose from and all the stuff I usually wear is from him.  Rats!!  But I guess if that’s my biggest problem, I really don’t have that much to worry about.  Guess we’ll see where I can take this new found happiness!!

60 days

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So my divorce papers were officially filed yesterday and in 60 days (as far as I understand it) Andrew and I will be divorced.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t just a little excited about it.  I would also be lying if I didn’t say I was a little bit sad.  There is a loss to be lamented here.  Our marriage wasn’t always bad, or even hard.  There was a lot of good, beautiful stuff in there.  Including our daughter.  We made many happy memories.  But it has been more hard and more bad than it has been good.  It’s time to move on.  This isn’t about me not wanting to be tied down.  When I got married I never intended to be untied.  But it is about me not wanting to be weighed down anymore.  For the last year my soul has been so weary.  I didn’t know what it felt like to be rejuvenated and alive anymore.   Naturally Andrew isn’t handling the news very well, and I feel bad that I don’t know what to do or say to help him, but it’s not my job anymore.  (That sounds a little harsh, doesn’t it.)  I feel that I am doing what is best for Aubree and myself.  Aubree deserves the happiest life imaginable, and in order to do that, I need to be happy as well.

I have been accused of taking the easy way out.  Neither way was easy.  They’re both hard.  They both have pros and cons.  But one road had more cons than pros, so I have to take that one.  If being a truly single mother is any less hard than what I’ve been doing already, I sure would like to know how.  Anyway, that’s just a small update from my corner of the world.  I heard some people were calling some of my friends cause they were curious.  They could have just asked me if they wanted to know.  😉

Happy Friday, y’all.

Texas Hill Country Road

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What?  I don’t live in the Hill Country?  I know that.  It’s a metaphor.  Texas Hill Country roads (for those of you who don’t know) are full of hills (hence “hill country”).  There have been lots of ups and downs in my life lately.  I have talked extensively with my counselor, preacher, parents, sister, close friends and I’ve come to an important decision.  I’m sure many of you have noticed a change in my last name on Facebook.  Andrew and I are getting a divorce.  I don’t want anyone to misunderstand anything.  I don’t regret deciding to stay with him at the beginning of his troubles.  He needed someone.  He still needs someone, but he needs himself more than he needs me.  He needs to mature and I can’t continue to make his life a priority over mine and Aubree’s.  I have reached a point in our relationship where there is more bad than good for me and I can’t keep on that way.  I can’t keep owning his mistakes as my fault for one reason or another.  They’re not my fault.  They’re his fault.

The decision to get a divorce is mine and I’m the one doing all the work for it.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t love Andrew.  Quite the opposite in fact.  I love him very much.  I love Aubree more though.  And she deserves more than an unhappy momma all the time.  I’ve made good strides the last year and I don’t think that I can keep them up if I’m continually worn down.  I need to move on and make my life what I want it to be and quit focusing on what it was supposed to have been.  I am at peace with this decision.  Andrew will get there some day and hopefully we can do what is right for our daughter as parents.  But for now, I have to do what is right for me (therefore what is right for her) to be happy.  I don’t feel selfish or guilty about it anymore.  It’s time to reclaim the old Stephenie!!

Jigsaw

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It’s been a long time since I’ve written any poetry!  I’m out of practice so don’t laugh.  I also, don’t usually share, so if you don’t like it, that’s ok, I don’t wanna know.  I revise too, but I like seeing it when it’s raw.

Jigsaw

My body, mind, and soul
Have been through a war
I am broken and bruised
But every mark tells my story

I am beautiful
I have flaws
And curves
That make me perfect

My hands and heart
Are a jigsaw puzzle
Waiting for the perfect person
To fit the pieces together

My mind is a maze
Twists and turns
Frustrating and confusing
But beautiful when you’ve figured it out

I am worth finding
And loving
I am loyal and proud
I can be won.

Kindness and affection
Are my language
An open book
Ready for the world.

(c) Stephenie McDaniel 2013

Definitely not done, but it’s a nice little start, I think!  I just didn’t want to lose it! :S

No, No, No. Stop.

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Hello.  My name is Stephenie.  I’m a “fixer” and a “taker oner” and an “apologizer.”  I am no longer in the market of fixing anyone.  I want to be a counselor, and so I’m going to have to learn that it is not my job to fix people.  People have to fix themselves.  They can just come talk it out with me and I’ll walk with them while they’re discovering themselves.  They deserve the opportunity to do that… I got that opportunity, so why shouldn’t they?  I am no longer taking on other people’s flaws as my own.  The “they are the way they are because of something I did” can’t fly any longer.  It’s exhausting.  It’s so tiresome to take on everyone’s problems all the time.  I have enough of my own.  I sure don’t need anyone else’s.  They can keep them.  Lastly and most importantly.  I’m not apologizing for being me anymore.  I’m fantastic.  I’m fun, and full of life, and feisty, and I am who I am, too late to change it now.  If someone doesn’t like it, well too bad! 🙂

Baby Updates

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Hello Readers.  Mommy has been a little lax in updating y’all about me.  Shame on her.  I’m growing so big.  I’m crawling, but not up off my tummy yet, and getting into everything.  I can get up on all fours, but haven’t quite figured out how to put them into motion correctly.  I can stand with support.  I can also climb over stuff, but sometimes I get high centered.  I have two different kinds of waves, but I don’t think I know yet what they mean.  I can also say “mama.”  Only when I want to though.  I will kiss when asked and will sometimes even pull or reach for my own kisses.  I’m a cuddle bug and very loving.  Puppies and yarn fascinate me.  I also am pretty dramatic and am developing just a little bit of attitude.  Mommy swears she doesn’t know where it comes from.  I had a great first Christmas and got some toys that are helping me learn lots.  One of them even says AND spells my name.  I think those are the highlights.  I will try to make sure Mommy keeps you updated better.

Love,

Aubree Grace Donice

Truths

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Anyone read Hunger Games?  It’s been a while since I have.  It’s fantastic.  It might have to be a yearly type deal for me.  So that will up my intentional yearly books to the Harry Potter Series, the Ender’s Game series, Lord of the Rings series, White Oleander, Paint it Black, The Vampire Chronicles, and The Chronicles of Narnia.  And I wonder why I get stuck in a rut of reading.  (None of that was the point.)  In The Hunger Games (can’t remember which one) there is a part where Katniss has to remind herself what the truths of her life are.  (I think it’s the third one.)  She goes over and over and over and over it in her head in order to bring herself back to sanity.  I identify with Katniss much more than I’d like.  She’s a hot mess.  An emotionally stunted, hot freaking mess.  I feel, sometimes, like I’m in a spiral.  I lose myself a lot in the fuzz.  I don’t remember the last time I was me.  Really me.  Without having to impress someone, or morph myself into someone that someone else would like.  Seriously.  I think the last time was high school.  And now.  All the sudden I find myself in a place where really, only one person has any real time expectations of me and she pretty much loves me for me as long as I feed, change, bathe, and cuddle her.  So what are my truths?  The basics of me that I can hold onto to bring me back to sanity…

1.  My name is Stephenie.2.  I am 26 years old.
3.  I am from Friona, TX.
4.  I have a beautiful daughter, Aubree.
5.  I have a wonderful mother and sister.
6.  My favorite color is purple.
7.  I write poetry.
8.  I play clarinet.
9.  I am extremely shy and self conscious.
10.  My greatest fear in the whole world is ending up alone.
11.  I constantly seek the approval of others.
12.  In order to compensate for shyness, I am loud, boisterous and in your face.
13.  I hate cleaning.
14.  I love to crochet.
15.  I’m terrified my daughter will grow up to be just like me.

There’s got to be more to me than that…  That’s a sad little list.  I don’t even know where to begin anymore.  I’m pretty sure I cheated and some of those don’t even have to do with bringing me back to sanity.  It is definitely time to take a journey to figure out who *I* am again.  I just hope when I get it figured out… I like whoever I am.