I have the bug. I just want to write all the time. Which is sad, cause my life really isn’t all that interesting. And the things about me that ARE interesting are too personal (in my mind) to let go of. And the things I do write, the people who really know me always inevitably text/call/come try to find out what is really going on. A friend and I were talking yesterday and she really got me to thinking, which is what is giving me the bug to write now. So hey why not. I’m in a decent mood, so maybe I can really work some things out. Really, I’ll probably just end up doing what I always do. Deflect. I admit it. I’m a deflector. (I’m deflecting now in an effort to not let this get too heavy.)
How do I deflect? With humor. Apparently, the key to stopping this behavior is by identifying when I deflect the most. And that’s been really hard. I have always been able to say that I do it. Cause I do. Everyone knows this about me. I’m the funny one who makes jokes to make people’s lives better. The funny thing about that, though, is that it irritates the TAR out of me when it’s done to me. If we’re having a serious conversation and I even touch on something remotely heavy, why are you deflecting in order to get away from the real issue. It’s kind of the pot calling the kettle black isn’t it? So here I am. Thinking about a lot of things in my life.
I deflect most in counseling. We cover the basic areas. Work, school, baby, marriage, religion, society, budget, etc. These are pretty constant topics of discussion during counseling. I don’t feel like I deflect a lot about work. Something irritates me… ok, I’ve said it, sometimes I can change my behavior and move forward, sometimes it’s just one of those things I can’t do anything about it. School also requires little deflection. It’s pretty straight forward. (And I have a 4.0 so far. Woohoo!)
Baby. I tell a lot of stories about my baby. I definitely have a whole roller coaster of emotions when it comes to her and the things that involve her. Daycare is often a sore subject. I deflect probably a lot when it comes to her because some of the emotions are SO overpowering. I have to tell funny stories about her to mask how terrified I am sometimes to be a mom. It’s a really hard job and I’m petrified of failing. I mean, come on. I am charged with raising a responsible, intelligent, kindhearted, giving, forgiving (but not gullible), independent person. I’m not even some of those things. It seems like an impossible job sometimes. And sometimes I get exhausted, or need me time, or just a break in general. And then I feel guilty. So then I make jokes in an effort to try to feel LESS guilty. It never works. I feel guilty all the time.
Religion. I don’t know. I don’t know if I deflect there. Probably at least some because being so active in my faith is relatively new to me. I’ve always believed. (Oh that’s another thing. I’m charged with raising my baby to be a believer and I truly do not feel like I have the knowledge base necessary to do that.) I’m not sure. Maybe I should make note to pay more attention how I act when I’m talking about that.
Society. Ok. I make a lot of jokes about society. And my counselor laughs at me A LOT. I don’t know if I’m being deflective, or if he just thinks that my views on things are funny. I’m not sure. I think I’m funny. I’m sure my little soap boxes are entertaining, but I don’t know if that actually counts as being deflective.
Budget. My budget is just awesome and I love it. I’m so much less stressed about money now. Still stressed, but I don’t live month to month in paralyzing fear. Except… that I still have to find a new roommate and I’m kind of panicking about it.
Marriage. This is probably where I deflect most. I make lots of jokes about it and my husband. My marriage is hard…. and complicated… and it has pretty “unique” issues. And right here, I just want to delete this whole blog, cause the fuzz is over taking me and I have no idea where I was going with all this. But I think I’ve narrowed down the two places in which I deflect the most. Baby and marriage. Go figure.
The next thing I have to do is figure out what I want out of life. I have no clue at this point in time. Maybe when I write all that up (I’ve been given an assignment to write it all up) I’ll publish it here. I make jokes about that too. I know why I deflect there. So I don’t have to answer. Unfortunately, I have too many counselor friends to do that anymore. Eek!!
Edited to add: When do I get to let myself be first? (Aside from Aubree of course!!) When do I stop putting other people’s needs above my own?? Which could lead into a WHOLE new conversation that I tend to go around and around on and never EVER get ANYWHERE. But for some reason the fuzz has taken complete hold over me and I just can’t think anymore. Gosh…