I’ve been having a hard time getting into the Christmas season. I made all my gifts and I’m proud of them. I usually count down to Christmas though. I haven’t this year and I feel bad about it, that I can’t get excited. I was way more excited last year, even with everything looming over me so heavy like it was. You’d think this year, with it being Aubree’s first Christmas, I’d be more excited, but I’m not. I can’t get up the spirit to count down. All I keep thinking is that it doesn’t matter anyway because she won’t remember this anyway, but I still feel like I’m robbing her of the joy she should have. I don’t want to remember her first Christmas as the year that I couldn’t get excited. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’ll be a great day. Time with family is always wonderful. I hardly even want to listen to Christmas music. I do… but it’s just ambient background noise, really. I get much more stoked about my angry rock that I’m fighting the urge to listen to. I’m not this person! I’m a big… obnoxious… ball of excitement and joy usually at this time. But I’m not this year… and it makes me sad.
Yesterday was a rough day, too. Aubree was sick and I just couldn’t do anything right for her. She didn’t want to be held, but got mad if I put her down. She didn’t want food, but if she didn’t have the option she was angry. I even let the dogs in to try and entertain her, nope, they just wanted to be lazy. By the end of the day I was exhausted and emotionally torn up. I felt awful that I couldn’t even effectively handle my own child for one whole day while she was sick. Yes, I know I have her on the weekends. That’s little comfort to me. I rely on someone else to raise my child for what feels like 90% of the time. I mean, seriously. She is at daycare from 8-5 on the weekdays. I spend from 7-8 with her getting ready in the morning and from 5:30 or 6ish to 8 with her on the week nights. And then from 8-8 Saturday and Sunday. There are 168 hours in a week. I spend approximately 42 of those with her a week. (Obviously excluding sleep.) She spends 45 hours a week at daycare. She spends a majority of her time at daycare, not with her momma. That’s depressing, and I’m getting to where I’m having a REALLY hard time handling it. (Yes dear blogger friend, you know who you are, I know I’m over thinking this.) Society makes us part time parents and we wonder why so many of our kids have problems or don’t turn out the way that we hoped? Because we’re NOT raising them. We’re not teaching them. I’m sorry… the time I do get to spend with my baby is not spent doing “learning activities.” A lot of it is getting her either ready for daycare or the day, or putting her to bed. The rest is spent either cuddling or me doing stuff that needs to get done around the house. She’s not learning anything from me. I don’t know how to rearrange my priorities either to make it to where we get to spend more quality time together. I struggle with this all the time, but the holidays seem to be making it worse.
My whole life feels like an out of control mess at the moment. Work, school, personal…. it’s all just a freaking mess. I need a mop and a broom to clean this crap up. Please ignore my overly emotional rant… I’m going to counseling…. or to find chocolate. (Well I’m definitely going to counseling…. but I may have to find chocolate on the way.)