2012 brought my husband being taken out of my life in any real way other than letters and phone calls and one visit a month, the start of my journey to earn a master’s degree, 3 end of the world “scares” (I only mention that because it’s funny), and my daughter. That was the best part of 2012 was definitely Aubree. She’s the light of my life. I’m also excited about working towards my master’s. The rest… I really could take it or leave it. And since Aubree is really the most exciting thing to EVER happen to me… I have low expectations for 2013, since getting pregnant again anytime soon is not an option in the slightest. I expect it to be neither action packed nor particularly special. (Outside of Aubree related accomplishments of course.) Here’s to looking forward to 2014 when my sister gets married. *Cheers!*
I hate them. All of them. My laptop, my phone, Facebook, Twitter, Pin… no not Pinterest, I LOVE Pinterest. I’ll explain why in a minute. Ravelry is pretty awesome, too.
Technology– I can use it to access friends, family, acquaintances, and Facebook and Twitter… and Pinterest! Either by my phone or by my laptop. I don’t even have to use my voice (which sounds like a man right now) to speak to someone and have an in depth conversation. I can text or type! That’s awesome, right? Well, yeah… especially if I don’t want someone to know what mood I’m in, unless I’m happy. If I’m happy it’s ok, but if I’ve been crying, or if I’m angry, all bets are off because it’s too easy to tell both of my moods when actually speaking to me. Especially if it’s my mom… or my preacher, now. They know me entirely too well, and that’s problematic sometimes. But now, if I’m not texting they know! It’s horrible.
I can’t even take a shower anymore without knowing where my phone is. What if someone calls, or texts, or needs me. Why do I have my phone in the bathroom while I’m taking a shower!?? That’s just way too connected. And now, my phone does almost everything my laptop can do. It’s just easier to type papers on my laptop than my phone.
Also… texting… Why do I get so paranoid if someone doesn’t text me right back? Do I really have so little of a life that I thrive on the attention I get from TEXTING!! How pathetic.
Social media– The universal validation system. Did sanyone see my status, or like my photo? They didn’t like it or comment on it… why not? I can post pictures of myself saying “Stunner” all day long, but if no one had liked that photo, I guarandarntee that I would have felt like crap. Why do I need that validation? Am I really so lonely? Ooooooooh yeah.
That’s what it always goes back to. Loneliness. I’m sick of it. I’m sick to death of feeling this way. How can I be SO connected, yet so alone. Would I rather be miserable than alone? Pfft. I’m miserable AND alone. And angry. I’m so angry!!!!! And my phone and Facebook are silent and I’m not coping well. I seriously considered just deleting Facebook and turning my phone off indefinitely. Cause what in the world is the point.
I got to a point in my pregnancy where anything Facebook related irritated the tar out of me. I deleted it off my phone even so that I wouldn’t have to be soooo connected. I kind of want that, to not have to be so connected, but I don’t know if I have the self control to maintain it. My finger sure is hovering over the deactivate button though.
My baby is asleep in her swing… I really need to be doing something more productive than worrying about… all this. Gah.
I have the bug. I just want to write all the time. Which is sad, cause my life really isn’t all that interesting. And the things about me that ARE interesting are too personal (in my mind) to let go of. And the things I do write, the people who really know me always inevitably text/call/come try to find out what is really going on. A friend and I were talking yesterday and she really got me to thinking, which is what is giving me the bug to write now. So hey why not. I’m in a decent mood, so maybe I can really work some things out. Really, I’ll probably just end up doing what I always do. Deflect. I admit it. I’m a deflector. (I’m deflecting now in an effort to not let this get too heavy.)
How do I deflect? With humor. Apparently, the key to stopping this behavior is by identifying when I deflect the most. And that’s been really hard. I have always been able to say that I do it. Cause I do. Everyone knows this about me. I’m the funny one who makes jokes to make people’s lives better. The funny thing about that, though, is that it irritates the TAR out of me when it’s done to me. If we’re having a serious conversation and I even touch on something remotely heavy, why are you deflecting in order to get away from the real issue. It’s kind of the pot calling the kettle black isn’t it? So here I am. Thinking about a lot of things in my life.
I deflect most in counseling. We cover the basic areas. Work, school, baby, marriage, religion, society, budget, etc. These are pretty constant topics of discussion during counseling. I don’t feel like I deflect a lot about work. Something irritates me… ok, I’ve said it, sometimes I can change my behavior and move forward, sometimes it’s just one of those things I can’t do anything about it. School also requires little deflection. It’s pretty straight forward. (And I have a 4.0 so far. Woohoo!)
Baby. I tell a lot of stories about my baby. I definitely have a whole roller coaster of emotions when it comes to her and the things that involve her. Daycare is often a sore subject. I deflect probably a lot when it comes to her because some of the emotions are SO overpowering. I have to tell funny stories about her to mask how terrified I am sometimes to be a mom. It’s a really hard job and I’m petrified of failing. I mean, come on. I am charged with raising a responsible, intelligent, kindhearted, giving, forgiving (but not gullible), independent person. I’m not even some of those things. It seems like an impossible job sometimes. And sometimes I get exhausted, or need me time, or just a break in general. And then I feel guilty. So then I make jokes in an effort to try to feel LESS guilty. It never works. I feel guilty all the time.
Religion. I don’t know. I don’t know if I deflect there. Probably at least some because being so active in my faith is relatively new to me. I’ve always believed. (Oh that’s another thing. I’m charged with raising my baby to be a believer and I truly do not feel like I have the knowledge base necessary to do that.) I’m not sure. Maybe I should make note to pay more attention how I act when I’m talking about that.
Society. Ok. I make a lot of jokes about society. And my counselor laughs at me A LOT. I don’t know if I’m being deflective, or if he just thinks that my views on things are funny. I’m not sure. I think I’m funny. I’m sure my little soap boxes are entertaining, but I don’t know if that actually counts as being deflective.
Budget. My budget is just awesome and I love it. I’m so much less stressed about money now. Still stressed, but I don’t live month to month in paralyzing fear. Except… that I still have to find a new roommate and I’m kind of panicking about it.
Marriage. This is probably where I deflect most. I make lots of jokes about it and my husband. My marriage is hard…. and complicated… and it has pretty “unique” issues. And right here, I just want to delete this whole blog, cause the fuzz is over taking me and I have no idea where I was going with all this. But I think I’ve narrowed down the two places in which I deflect the most. Baby and marriage. Go figure.
The next thing I have to do is figure out what I want out of life. I have no clue at this point in time. Maybe when I write all that up (I’ve been given an assignment to write it all up) I’ll publish it here. I make jokes about that too. I know why I deflect there. So I don’t have to answer. Unfortunately, I have too many counselor friends to do that anymore. Eek!!
Edited to add: When do I get to let myself be first? (Aside from Aubree of course!!) When do I stop putting other people’s needs above my own?? Which could lead into a WHOLE new conversation that I tend to go around and around on and never EVER get ANYWHERE. But for some reason the fuzz has taken complete hold over me and I just can’t think anymore. Gosh…
So, a coworker told me about this video today because she said that it made her think of me. Given my past week, and how I felt then, and how I’ve felt today, and how worried I am about life and whatnot… I was extremely flattered. Anyway… sometimes you hear things that you just want to carry with you. I haven’t had a chance to watch the whole video yet, but the poem at the beginning of it is something I want to remember. More for myself than for Aubree even! And I want it in a place that I can find it easily, or when I’m feeling sentimental, I can read back over this and watch it and smile. Cause let’s face it y’all. My blog has been down right depressing lately. It needs a little spicing up! So, here’s the spice. 🙂
Have a great day. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
I’ve been having a hard time getting into the Christmas season. I made all my gifts and I’m proud of them. I usually count down to Christmas though. I haven’t this year and I feel bad about it, that I can’t get excited. I was way more excited last year, even with everything looming over me so heavy like it was. You’d think this year, with it being Aubree’s first Christmas, I’d be more excited, but I’m not. I can’t get up the spirit to count down. All I keep thinking is that it doesn’t matter anyway because she won’t remember this anyway, but I still feel like I’m robbing her of the joy she should have. I don’t want to remember her first Christmas as the year that I couldn’t get excited. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’ll be a great day. Time with family is always wonderful. I hardly even want to listen to Christmas music. I do… but it’s just ambient background noise, really. I get much more stoked about my angry rock that I’m fighting the urge to listen to. I’m not this person! I’m a big… obnoxious… ball of excitement and joy usually at this time. But I’m not this year… and it makes me sad.
Yesterday was a rough day, too. Aubree was sick and I just couldn’t do anything right for her. She didn’t want to be held, but got mad if I put her down. She didn’t want food, but if she didn’t have the option she was angry. I even let the dogs in to try and entertain her, nope, they just wanted to be lazy. By the end of the day I was exhausted and emotionally torn up. I felt awful that I couldn’t even effectively handle my own child for one whole day while she was sick. Yes, I know I have her on the weekends. That’s little comfort to me. I rely on someone else to raise my child for what feels like 90% of the time. I mean, seriously. She is at daycare from 8-5 on the weekdays. I spend from 7-8 with her getting ready in the morning and from 5:30 or 6ish to 8 with her on the week nights. And then from 8-8 Saturday and Sunday. There are 168 hours in a week. I spend approximately 42 of those with her a week. (Obviously excluding sleep.) She spends 45 hours a week at daycare. She spends a majority of her time at daycare, not with her momma. That’s depressing, and I’m getting to where I’m having a REALLY hard time handling it. (Yes dear blogger friend, you know who you are, I know I’m over thinking this.) Society makes us part time parents and we wonder why so many of our kids have problems or don’t turn out the way that we hoped? Because we’re NOT raising them. We’re not teaching them. I’m sorry… the time I do get to spend with my baby is not spent doing “learning activities.” A lot of it is getting her either ready for daycare or the day, or putting her to bed. The rest is spent either cuddling or me doing stuff that needs to get done around the house. She’s not learning anything from me. I don’t know how to rearrange my priorities either to make it to where we get to spend more quality time together. I struggle with this all the time, but the holidays seem to be making it worse.
My whole life feels like an out of control mess at the moment. Work, school, personal…. it’s all just a freaking mess. I need a mop and a broom to clean this crap up. Please ignore my overly emotional rant… I’m going to counseling…. or to find chocolate. (Well I’m definitely going to counseling…. but I may have to find chocolate on the way.)
Well I was going to daycare to see Aubree on my lunch break cause I’m having a shittastic day. Unfortunately she’s asleep. Well I really shouldn’t think of it that way. It’s good that she is napping cause she never does at daycare. Haha. And even though I’m sad I didn’t get to hold her, I’m glad she’s peaceful.
I talk sometimes about my duct tape. What I’m talking about when I say that is my duct tape for my soul. Sometimes it gets a little broken, as we all do. I usually say it is my Winnie the Pooh DVD. Last time I said it was wine and chocolate. Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t turn any of those down at the moment. But really, it’s that sweet, sleeping little girl at daycare. Sometimes I worry that I put too much pressure on her to fix me. I try not to, but I’m afraid she will resent me one day for being so broken.
Just watching her sleep today though helped tremendously. She’s everything. I hope I’m always able to let her know that. And that she doesn’t have to put up with people treating her badly, or talking bad about her. She needs to know that she always ALWAYS deserves the best. Even when life is hard.
Forgive the typos, I did this on my phone. It’s not elegant or well thought out. It’s just me right at this moment.