Sounds like a bad drink, doesn’t it? Well it’s not, just for the record. That’s how my brain is. Fuzzy. A lot of the time. I’m struggling to get out of this fuzz, too, and I’m having a really hard time. I try to explain it and it just gets fuzzier. My counselor has suggested journaling, which I’ll probably do more privately, but I haven’t blogged in a while so, here I am. And I type faster than I write so her it is.
I’m (mostly) a happy person. I fake it a lot (A LOT) though. Trained eyes (like my mom) can tell when I’m faking it, but most other people don’t know. I have a lot of things that bother me deep down that I need to work through. I know exactly where I need to start. Some of the words to express what I need to say even bubble up to the top of my brain. But that’s it. They get to the top and my brain starts to go all fuzzy. I want to get these things out of me. I want to work through issue “a” so I can move on to issue “b”, both past issues that I need to deal with in order to handle the present issue “c.” But every time I try to form the words to anyone, I get denied access. Cognitively I know why I’m like this. Knowing that, and fixing it, dealing with it, getting past it are all very different things. Even now the fuzz is over taking me. Making me unable to concentrate. Sending me to my “happy” place that’s all trashy and invaded. I need to clean everything up.
How do I start. How do I write all these things down if I can’t even get them to form in my head. It’s so frustrating. After counseling, I’ve been trying to think on them and I just can’t. And then I just get more frustrated. My counselor has also determined that I’m a little bit of a masochist, though even I don’t know why. It’s like I deliberately make my life hard? Why do I do that. I can’t even remember what we talked about that made him say I was a bit of a masochist. Product of the brain fuzz. I hate not being able to articulate things. It comes out a lot when I’m trying to explain how I feel about things to Andrew. I just never can get it done, even when I’m writing to him. And then he just gets frustrated (flat out angry) with me because I “don’t communicate” with him. What a load of crap. I’m trying!
I managed to work out a pretty decent budget last night. And that was one of the things I needed to sit down and deal with, that I had been putting off. It gave (gives) me extreme anxiety. I feel better having worked out. But I almost feel worse too, because it’s pretty strict and what if I deviate from it and mess it all up. I feel like it’s putting a lot of pressure on me. Not having it wasn’t working either, though. Six to one half a dozen of the other. (Did you know, typing out all those funny little sayings you say is kinda hard….weird.) But, I had a starting point, and now I have an ending point, and the ending point is really bright. I figure if I could work through my other issues, two of which had starts and ends because they’re in the past, and one I’m currently living through, I’d feel better. So why do I keep putting it off? Why can’t I deal with it. Who knows. Either way… I’m all fuzzy and now it’s time to go to class, so I’m going to be all fuzzy through class, and I hate, hate, hate that.