Aubree had a restless night which resulted in me having a restless night and being late for work. On top of that, I stayed up too late finishing Catching Fire (which was excellent). I’m lacking in patience and tolerance today. Also… after finishing Catching Fire… the only thing I wanted to do was talk excitedly about it with…. Andrew. And I can’t. Because he’s not here. I’ve been okay.
No… I haven’t really.
But I make it from day to day. But last night I missed him so much I could taste it. It’s horrible. How am I supposed to do this? I can’t get everything done, I need help. I need help with the baby, I need help around the house, in the yard, with the cars. I need help with myself. I’m a wreck. All the time. Top it off, I’m missing Benita at work. I can’t just pop into her office whenever I want anymore. I can’t talk to Andrew whenever I want, I can’t talk to Benita whenever I want, I can’t talk to my sister whenever I want, hell… I can’t even talk to my mom whenever I want. I mean I can… via text. But, you know me. I’m so wordy. Texting is hard for me because I talk so much. I just miss my best friend. I’m so angry at him all the time right now. I’m all emotionally ripped open rather than emotionally stunted, and I tell you, I miss that part of me… or lack of me. Whatever. Anyway, I’m angry at Andrew all the time. I don ‘t even WANT to write him. I feel distant and disconnected from him. I’ve done it to us. I stopped writing, I don’t even like talking to him on the phone. I blame the not writing on being tired. Which is true. I am TIRED. I get Aubree to bed and, man I just don’t want to do a thing. Well last night I finished the book, and I was so excited and I wanted to talk to Andrew about it so bad. I even rolled over and started to say something before I remembered that he’s not there right now…. and it’s going to be Thursday before we can talk about it voice to voice. And the tears just consumed me. Sure I can write about it, but I don’t want to write, damnit. I want to TALK to him. It just makes me realize how bad I miss him… again. Like I’m grieving the loss of him ALL. OVER. AGAIN. How many times is this going to happen to me before I remember all the time that talking to him will have to wait, and it’s going to be a short conversation, and that I’ll have to get the important things out of the way before we can just have a conversation. And then, when we get good and going with our intriguing conversation, it’ll be over all too soon. This can’t last, can it? It really can’t go on for the whole time we’ve been told it’s going to go on? And why was it so easy before, not easy, but at least manageable, and now I miss him like crazy and I’m falling to bits every other day. It’s so stupid to feel this way. I have more important things to worry about.
Like I said, all of this has resulted in a lack of patience in me today. Outwardly I smile at people, but inwardly, I’m screaming. And it’s giving me a headache. It’s so loud in my head right now. I just want things to be quiet… and some sleep. And some chocolate. And hair long enough that I can put it in a messy pony tail, crawl into my sweatpants, and hoodie and just… look how I feel. (I kinda look how I feel today, but I want to do it in the privacy of my own home.) At least Aubree was happy when we got up this morning. That makes the lack of sleep more worth it than if she was just in a horrible mood. Oh, I’m sooooooooooo tired. 😦