Monthly Archives: August 2012

Doodlebug is 6 months old today!

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Ok…. Cliche time!  Where did the time go?  How did my sweet baby get to be 6 months old?  Surely that much time hasn’t already passed.  I just can’t believe it!!

1. Favorite Foods: Formula, oatmeal, sweet potato, might try a banana tonight!

2. Favorite Outdoor Activities: Going for walks in the stroller, wearing her fashionable hat!!

3. Favorite Book: “My Very Own Fairytale” is the name of it.  Her Aunt Cecilia and Uncle Jeff gave it to her.  We’ve read that a couple of times.  She likes the pictures!

4. Favorite Song: Jesus Loves Me (sung by Mimi), This Little Light of Mine and Hakuna Matata.

5. Number of Teeth: Still no teeth that I’m aware of!

6. Latest Accomplishments: Rolling like crazy, laughing, grabbing shiny things (including earrings, ouch!), recognizing her name and her mommy.

7. Words: No words yet, but she moves her mouth like she WANTS to talk!

8. Favorite Store: Carter’s

9. Favorite Toys: Her purse, Socks the sock monkey, Winnie the Pooh, her keys.

10. Favorite Games: Peek-a-boo, super baby, kissy, and being tickled.

11. Dislikes: Being in my car seat too long, and not being able to see what’s going on when we’re out and about.

12. Loves: Snuggling with Mommy, her purse, being kissed, being in social situations when I can watch what is going on, and rolling all over.

13. Favorite Animals: My puppies, Seamus and Lola

14. She’s trying so hard to sit up, even from a laying down position.  She just can’t quite hold herself up yet, but she sure is trying.  She just has more and more personality every day.  I just love her!!!

So tired

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Aubree had a restless night which resulted in me having a restless night and being late for work.  On top of that, I stayed up too late finishing Catching Fire (which was excellent).  I’m lacking in patience and tolerance today.  Also… after finishing Catching Fire… the only thing I wanted to do was talk excitedly about it with…. Andrew.  And I can’t.  Because he’s not here.  I’ve been okay.

No… I haven’t really.

But I make it from day to day.  But last night I missed him so much I could taste it.  It’s horrible.  How am I supposed to do this?  I can’t get everything done, I need help.  I need help with the baby, I need help around the house, in the yard, with the cars.  I need help with myself.  I’m a wreck.  All the time.  Top it off, I’m missing Benita at work.  I can’t just pop into her office whenever I want anymore.  I can’t talk to Andrew whenever I want, I can’t talk to Benita whenever I want, I can’t talk to my sister whenever I want, hell… I can’t even talk to my mom whenever I want.  I mean I can… via text.  But, you know me.  I’m so wordy.  Texting is hard for me because I talk so much.  I just miss my best friend.  I’m so angry at him all the time right now.  I’m all emotionally ripped open rather than emotionally stunted, and I tell you, I miss that part of me… or lack of me.  Whatever.  Anyway, I’m angry at Andrew all the time.  I don ‘t even WANT to write him.  I feel distant and disconnected from him.  I’ve done it to us.  I stopped writing, I don’t even like talking to him on the phone.  I blame the not writing on being tired.  Which is true.  I am TIRED.  I get Aubree to bed and, man I just don’t want to do a thing.  Well last night I finished the book, and I was so excited and I wanted to talk to Andrew about it so bad.  I even rolled over and started to say something before I remembered that he’s not there right now…. and it’s going to be Thursday before we can talk about it voice to voice.  And the tears just consumed me.  Sure I can write about it, but I don’t want to write, damnit.  I want to TALK to him.  It just makes me realize how bad I miss him… again.  Like I’m grieving the loss of him ALL. OVER. AGAIN.  How many times is this going to happen to me before I remember all the time that talking to him will have to wait, and it’s going to be a short conversation, and that I’ll have to get the important things out of the way before we can just have a conversation.  And then, when we get good and going with our intriguing conversation, it’ll be over all too soon.  This can’t last, can it?  It really can’t go on for the whole time we’ve been told it’s going to go on?  And why was it so easy before, not easy, but at least manageable, and now I miss him like crazy and I’m falling to bits every other day.  It’s so stupid to feel this way.  I have more important things to worry about.

Like I said, all of this has resulted in a lack of patience in me today.  Outwardly I smile at people, but inwardly, I’m screaming.  And it’s giving me a headache.  It’s so loud in my head right now.  I just want things to be quiet… and some sleep.  And some chocolate.  And hair long enough that I can put it in a messy pony tail, crawl into my sweatpants, and hoodie and just… look how I feel.  (I kinda look how I feel today, but I want to do it in the privacy of my own home.)  At least Aubree was happy when we got up this morning.  That makes the lack of sleep more worth it than if she was just in a horrible mood.  Oh, I’m sooooooooooo tired.  😦

17. What do you most wish you were great at

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What are you talking about?  I’m great at everything.  I honestly don’t know.  I’m sufficiently proficient in everything I am interested in doing.  I mean if we’re talking family wise, of course I’d like to be a great mother and wife (in that order).  If we’re talking emotionally, sure I’d like to be able to express my emotions better.  I sort of have the emotional range of a teaspoon.  Of course, I am kind of attached to emotionally stunted me.  Though I was told by a good friend and fellow blogger that he didn’t like her that much.  She’s much less inhibited and much more charming.  Not emotionally stunted me is a hot mess.  How did I get on this subject?  Let’s circle back, shall we?

If we’re talking in terms of physicality, sure I’d like to be a great specimen of physical fitness, but that takes a lot of work.  I’m ok with eating better to achieve healthiness at the moment.  If we’re talking in terms of hobbies, I’m a pretty good crocheter, cross stitching is okay, I do well enough.  Knitting… I gave up.  I’m just not that interested.

So… I guess it comes down to, I want to be a REALLY great mother.  That is my goal in life.  If, when my kids are my age and they feel about me the way I feel about my mother, I’ll consider it a job well done.  🙂

As an aside.  I’m happier than I have been in months.  I think it has something to do with the increased level of participation in my church.  They’re amazing and I love them, and spending time with them.  It’s definitely being reflected in my attitude. 😀

16. My 5 greatest accomplishments

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I got sidetracked and haven’t posted in a few days.  Oops.  I’m in a mood today, too.  I’m having a no good, terrible, awful, very bad day.  Maybe this will serve as a pick me up.  So the topic of the day is my 5 greatest accomplishments.  I don’t think this will be hard.

1.  My daughter.  Duh.  Yes I consider this an accomplishment.  I helped to make one of the sweetest, funnest, most beautiful babies in the whole wide world.  She is my pride, and my joy, and my grace.  I just love her so much.  I don’t know where I would be without her.  Sometimes I still can’t believe she’s real!

2.  Going back for my Master’s.  Even just that little step is a really big accomplishment for me.  I’m proud of myself.

3.  Getting married, and thus far staying married.  It could change, but for now I feel like that is an accomplishment.  Guess we’ll see where I am tomorrow on that front.

4.  Becoming a Christian.  To me that one doesn’t require a whole lot of explanation.

5.  Learning how to be me.  I’m still learning that one.  I am trying to find out who I am without the influence of anyone else.  I haven’t really given myself that opportunity.  I don’t know if I’ll like her once I finish, but it’s gotta be better than it is right now.

Church, Chick Fil-A and Politics

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I don’t know how to say how I’m feeling without upsetting people on both sides of the argument.  People that I love.  I don’t know how to express how *I* feel because I don’t KNOW how I feel about it anymore.  My marriage, personal life, just life in general has faced a lot of issues in the last two years and it opened me up to a huge realization.  Why do I judge others based on their choices when I don’t want people judging me based on mine!  Time and time again, people have said to me “I don’t know how you do it, I couldn’t’ve stayed.”  Well really, I wasn’t given a choice.  I was told to stay.  Pretty cut and dry, God told me what I had to do, and in some ways that makes it harder.  It means that I’m assaulted on a daily basis by the devil trying to make me find reasons to leave.  As my dad would say (TJ dad not my dad dad (I really need to find better clarification)), “The devil attacks families.”  It’s so true.

I support the Christian church’s right to not support gay marriage.  You know cause we live in America and all that freedom of religion jazz.  Now… I don’t know much about other religions.  I’ve seen people talk about the Muslim religion a bit in relation to this issue, so it makes me think that they might have a similar view.  It does say in the Bible that a man having sexual relations with a man or a woman having sexual relations with a woman is a sin.  It also lists lots of other things that are sins, things that I do on a daily basis.  I’m a sinner!  I’m willing to admit it.  (I’m not going to air out my sins right here, probably.  Those are between me and God really…)  So I don’t feel like I can judge others for sinning, when I sin all the time.

I’m so torn on this issue.  I have gay friends.  Their choices and lifestyle don’t bother me.  I don’t really think it is my place to tell them that they’re wrong.  I don’t know if I believe they’re wrong.  I do know that I want the love and light of the Lord shine through me and going up to someone wagging my finger saying “You’re wrong!!!  You’re a sinner and you’re going to hell!” probably isn’t the best way to do that.  I feel like they’d probably have the right to ask me if I wanted to be the pot or the kettle.  I guess mostly I’m probably a chicken and I don’t want to pick a side in this debate.  I think both sides have valid points, but I also think both sides have mean MEAN extremists.

Back to the things I support.  So I’ve gone over the fact that I support the church’s right to not support gay marriage.  My own wedding happened to be a religious affair with a little bit of legal paperwork for the state.  Since there is a separation of church and state, I don’t think that it is unreasonable for the LGBT population to be asking for people to abide by that and allow them to legally marry within states.  If the churches don’t want to allow them to marry within their walls, well then why can’t a JOP marry someone in a courthouse or a park or somewhere.  Why is this a religious issue at all if we truly live in a society that separates church and state?  (Because we don’t, duh.)  Just like America is NOT a melting pot, it is not a place that really tolerates “religious freedom.”  Yes, you’re free to practice your religion, so long as you’re a Christian.  That’s how I feel sometimes.  On the other hand, there is intolerance going the other way too.  “You can promote whatever belief you want so long as it’s not a Christian belief.”  There’s just always going to be someone feeling the need to bloody the other side.

So, I support the church, and I support the LGBT community fighting for their rights as human beings.  Just because I don’t believe the way someone else believes, doesn’t mean I want them treated like trash.  What happened to equality for all!  (Because we don’t live in a country that REALLY believes that… duh!)

I support Chick Fil-A’s right to not support gay marriage.  More specifically, I support the owner’s right to freedom of speech because that’s what really started this whole thing.  He owns a very lucrative business, thus making it privately owned, it is not owned by any states.  He is allowed to hire who he wants, open his business on the days that he deems appropriate, believe what he wants, because he is after all a free American.  Hobby Lobby doesn’t open on Sundays either.  They’re a business run by a Christian as well.  No one is making a big fuss about their stance on this issue, which I am willing to bed is similar.  I also support people’s right to support the business that they like.

I support people’s right to boycott business that they don’t like!  Like I have previously stated.  We’re free Americans.

I personally will be boycotting Chick Fil-A today.  1)  I just don’t like their food that much especially for the price.  I pretty much only go in there when I have coupons for free stuff.  (And I really just don’t like chicken at all.)  2)  This got turned into a political issue which pisses me off.  (Good job Mike Huckabee!  You made me not go get a chickin sammich today.)  No really.  I don’t think that our fast food is the arena for which we should be fighting political battles.  I think the voting box is.  You don’t like something?  Vote to have it changed.  I commend Hobby Lobby for staying out of this mess.  After all, if I had to boycott them, then I’d have to go to Michael’s to get my yarn, and they don’t have as good of a selection and Hobby Lobby is just so much more fun to wander around aimlessly for hours.

I’m so ready for elections to be over.  Obama, Romney, doesn’t matter, they’re both going to do their best to screw us over.  I have hidden EVERYTHING Chick Fil-A related on my Facebook page the last few days.  Doesn’t matter which side it was on.  If it was even mentioned, I hid it.  I wish Facebook had a function that I could search for certain themes going on on my wall and just mass hide stuff if I needed to.  Hey!  Mark Zuckerburg.  You’re gonna get right on that, right?  No?  Well fine.  I hope this doesn’t offend anyone.  I’ve been thinking on it a few days.  I don’t know how to reconcile the two sides of me.  That happens to me sometimes.  Especially now that I’m getting older and thinking for myself and stuff.  All the STRONG, yet naive, opinions that I had when I was younger seem to be fading into more rational, albeit confused sometimes, beliefs.  Mostly it goes back to, I want to be a good representative for the Lord.  I want Him to welcome me into Heaven when my time comes.  I don’t want Him to say “You remember that time you judged and wagged your finger at So Inso?  You hurt that person with your words.”

 

I hope this post doesn’t offend any of my dear friends on either side of this argument.  That is certainly not my intent.  My intent is to reconcile the two sides of myself and to be held accountable for my actions.  ❤