Well… maybe I wasn’t a huge fan of my counselor, but she did help me to realize that I hold onto toxic things. I’m not so blind that I didn’t realize that already. However, realizing and admitting things are two different things. So I’m admitting it! I hold on to toxic things. So in an effort to get to know myself better I explored those toxic things I’ve been holding on to in an effort to get rid of them. So far I’m 1-1.
The first thing I did was to tell my husband that I was angry at him. I had been stewing over it for a while. Every little thing was making me angry. I found myself actually screaming in a closet… more than once. That’s definitely not healthy. Probably shouldn’t let things build up until I feel the need to do that. I had tried a supplement that was supposed to help with things like that. It didn’t work because I forget to take it once I’m feeling a little better. I thought I had tried praying, but now I realize I was just talking without expecting God to do anything about it. He was doing something about it. He has put me in a place to give me the tools to help me with some of these things. Truly, but we’ll get there in a minute! Back to the point of this paragraph! I finally TOLD Andrew I was angry with him. I spent a whole phone call just telling him how angry I was. You know what happened? I felt better! I felt like I could just let it go. All the sudden, the anger that I had been hiding from myself, but could still feel in my heart dissipated. I feel like, now, I’m able to be more honest with Andrew about who I am. I feel like an incredible weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I was able to tell Andrew last night how much I loved him and that I really am committed to making our relationship work no matter what. I told him that I want to let him have the opportunity to truly know who I am, good, bad, and ugly. It was so productive for the both of us!!
Attempt number 2 at getting rid of toxic things seems to have become an epic fail. I sent my aunt a message on facebook letting her know that by not talking to me over the past few years really hurt me. It made me feel like I had done something wrong, and I’m coming to realize that it really has nothing to do with me. The message that I spent a long time formulating in my head and carefully typing out apparently came off as accusatory. That’s not how I meant it at all. All I really wanted to do was let her know that I wasn’t angry anymore, that I didn’t want this to bother me anymore. And now, I’m more hurt than ever. I’m trying not to be, but I’m pretty sure that comes under the heading of burying my feelings some more. So here I go, I’m trying to not bury this feeling. I’m trying to work through it. It’s scary though. What if this never gets resolved? And why do I NEED her affection so bad that it affects me so? I’ve been struggling with this for years! And the reason she doesn’t talk to me, has nothing to do with me whatsoever! So why do I feel so strongly about it? Why do I NEED to be liked/loved so much?? I don’t know. I truly can’t answer that one.
The last thing that I need to resolve is one of those things that won’t ever get resolved… or rather, I have tried to do my part, it made it worse, I turned to anger to try to fix it and it got worse still. Prayer is going to have to fix that one. I guess it’s going to have to fix things with my aunt too. Prayer… and more counseling!
As for being in a place to get the tools I need to work through these things about myself. (I told you I’d get back there!) I love my counseling class, and my instructor, and my book, and my classmates and everything about it! My instructor is always saying how counseling is a transformation of self. Clearly I have embraced that concept quite well! I’m so excited to see where this takes me, and I truly believe that I’m called to do this. Now, I just need to find a counselor I’m a good fit with! Woohoo! Anyway, so far that’s how things are shaking up today! Guess we’ll see how it goes.