Monthly Archives: June 2012

Truly Random Post: Movies

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So, I’m taking a break from writing my papers for my class.  (On that front I have a bit of writer’s block.)  I’ve been seeing a lot of posts about movies, and then there are just movie previews on TV all the time.  Let me tell you.  90% of the movies that came out this week hold no interest for me whatsoever.  And I’m not judging anyone who wants to go see the movies I’m going to mention.  You do your thang.  I’m just talking.  That’s all this blog is, musings, ramblings, updates on my life and Aubree.  I’m doin my thang!

First up.  Magic Mike.  I didn’t know anything about what it was.  I think I may have just seen a still from it or something at first.  Up until a week ago, I had no idea, and considered going, cause come on.  Channing Tatum is gorgeous.  And then I found out what it was about.  Oh no.  Not my style at all.  (And the girl is kinda ugly…)  I just don’t see how there is any plot at all.  We all know what the appeal is.  Nekkid Channing Tatum.  I guess being a brand new, practically single, full time working, part time school going, mother has changed me.

I literally get to spend 15 hours on the weekdays with Aubree.  That’s 3 hours a day folks.  “What?  How can that be?”  Let me break it down for you.  I get up around 6 am.  I get ready until 7.  At 7 I start getting Aubree ready.  We’re in the car usually by 7:40, on the way to daycare.  Then I work all day.  8-5.  At 5 I get to go get Aubree.  I get to daycare around 5:20 usually.  Get home around 5:30, that’s assuming I don’t have to run errands.  That’s a whole different story.  So, we get home around 5:30, I get all our stuff in and get us settled.  That’s 5:45.  I literally have no interest in doing anything else except for hanging out with Aubree.  I get to hang out with her between 6 and 8 pm.  So, that’s an hour in the morning and 2 hours in the evening.  This routine is healthy for Aubree.  Keeping her up late just so I can hang out with her is selfish.  So 15 hours a week.  2 of those hours are spent either getting her ready for daycare or ready for bed.  Sure, I get the weekends with her, but I don’t want to waste any of that time with her either.  I don’t even like napping, even though I often need it, because I miss out on her.  Even if I’m just watching her sleep.

I guess I’ve gone off topic.  The point is, I don’t want to spend time away from my baby to see a movie about nekkid men.

Next movie:  Savages.  Which looks to be about drug dealers and sex.  Definitely not my style.  It’s not like I can go to a movie without Aubree.  Or I have to get a babysitter.  I’m pretty sure that movie has explosions.  Which would be loud.  Aubree is good in noisy situations.  She usually just sleeps or looks around.  But, all babies have their limits.  I’m sure that would seriously test hers.  And most people aren’t very nice when people bring kids to grown up movies.  I know… I’m that way too.  If I’m going to a movie, especially a more adult one, I don’t want to listen to a baby cry.  It’s distracting.  Now, though, I have gotten to where I don’t want to go to movies (as evidenced by this post), because… I have to be away from my baby!

Spiderman.  I just don’t like Spiderman as a super hero.  That’s pretty much all that boils down too.  I’m a Superman, Ironman, Captain America, Thor girl anyway.  Spiderman always seemed kinda whiny to me.

Brave.  Now this one.  This one I WANT to see.  I’d take Aubree with me to go see it too.  I think she’d like the colors.  She’s gotten to where she’ll watch stuff like that.  We watched Igor the other day and she seemed to enjoy it.  I think she’d like Brave.  Well as much as a 4 month old baby can like a movie!

Anyway.  That’s my random observation of the day.  The whole thing boils down to….  I’m a stick in the mud.  🙂  I gotta get back to my paper.  I am going to indulge my Tyler Perry obsession while Miss Priss sleeps!

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Baby weight and other assorted musings

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Aubree had her 4 month well check this week.  They’re happy with her length, and her overall development, just not with her weight. Despite all the reassurances from my friends and family, I find myself still stressing over her weight.  I constantly wonder if its a result of something that I have done wrong…  Logically I know it’s not my fault.  Still, I worry.  Her daycare made me angry.  I know you’re so surprised, right?  They only fed her 3 oz in one of her bottles when I told them they HAD to feed her 4.  In my head I was asking, how is this so hard for you?  It IS hard!  Man, I couldn’t get her to eat more than 3 oz at one of her bottles last night no matter what I did.  So maybe it’s not daycare.  Don’t tell anyone I admitted that, and I’m still looking for a new daycare.

We did attempt cereal last night.  That didn’t go over that well, but she did ok in her high chair.  She’s become quite grabby.  Darn near tipped her bowl of cereal over.  That would have been a big ole mess.  Guess Mommy will just have to be more careful from now on.  Her doctor was quite impressed with the fact that she grabbed my glasses smooth off my face the other day.  (I was impressed too, but I played it quite cool, no giggling or clapping my hands together…. yeah right.)  We went shopping last night too.  That didn’t go well.  I just needed a pair of jeans, but we got distracted with other things and well, by the time we got around to looking at jeans, Aubree was just too tired, so mission cancelled.  I’ll try again tomorrow.  Also… I sent my rings off for refurbishing and redipping and now I feel kinda nekkid….

My blog seems to be getting a lot of views.  It’s freaking me out.  It’s garnering a lot more attention than I thought it would.  33 views on one of my posts?  Which 33 of my friends are reading this?  Hopefully mostly my JustMommies friends, family, and close friends…. Why oh why have I put everything out there for the whole world to see!?!

You made a plan? That’s funny.

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God says that to me all the time.  At the beginning of the summer semester, I had a moderate (okay severe) freakout.  I wondered if I had taken on too much.  (Yes, yes I did!)  Aubree got sick, I had to take her to the doctor, my mom had to come up to watch her.  It was awful and stressful.  I had counseling that day too.  Oi.  So I tried to find a way to drop my class.  Well, I missed the deadline.  Then I didn’t have all my vaccine information turned in, so I couldn’t do it anyway.  I got to class that day, and it was so good.  I just sat there captivated.  And the same quiet and warmth that filled me up before was filling me up again.  God said “See, you can do this, you NEED to do this.  I’ll make a way for you.”  And boy, He sure has.  After that day, I haven’t really stressed over my class that much.  That’s not to say that I haven’t had some concerns about class assignments or anything, because I have, but it’s so much better now.  I love being there.  I love learning, I love the people that have been placed in my life.  It’s amazing.  This is going to be an amazing journey.  I just have to remember to trust!

I also feel like He was saying “Oh, that’s cute that you had a plan.  I have one too.”  Just have to be better at not making God laugh at me!

Politics and Stress

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Ok… the older I get (I find myself saying that a lot, and may have to do a post totally on “the-older-I-get’s” the more I find that politics legit stress. me. out.  I don’t like thinking about them really.  I don’t like talking about them and…. Sara…. Kyla…. anyone who knew me in my former high school life….this will shock the crap out of you… I don’t like arguing about them.

Well the recent decision by the Supreme Court to uphold the Obama health care law.  So now, what… People who don’t have insurance are going to get taxed for not having it?  What about people who have jobs, but their companies/workplaces/whatever don’t provide it?  Do they have to find it somewhere else?  Finding insurance on your own is super expensive!

I don’t even know why this has me so stressed.  Except that I care about other people (kinda… sometimes) and lots of my friends don’t have insurance.  As far as I’m aware, my mom and dad don’t either.  (That really worries me for them!)  And that politics in general have just really started stressing me out.  Our country is in such a sad state.

I think part of the reason I stress so much, is because I just don’t understand things.  And you can never get a straight answer from anyone.  We all have our preconceived notions that we answer questions with.  We all answer the way WE see it, never the way it actually is.  Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, we all have our preferences and biases. I just don’t know.  News, Facebook, television are going to be so charged today.  I just don’t think I want anything to do with it.  Yuck!

The Voice(s) in My Head

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This is going to be a hard post for me to write.  And I know God is telling me to do it because I really almost don’t want to.  So here we go!

If you’re anything like me, you have voices in your head.  Voices of grandparents, parents (that’s a big one for me), friends, lovers, co-workers, bosses, etc.  I still hear my father’s voice from time to time.  I CONSTANTLY hear my mother’s voice.  Partially because my voice is so much like hers and because we just seem to think alike, a lot!  She’s a big influence on my life though.  And if I’m ever doing something that I’m embarrassed or ashamed to tell my mom, odds are I shouldn’t be doing that.  It deters me about 60% of the time.  (Sorry, Mom…. I’m not perfect.  😦 )  There are two others becoming more prevalent in my life.  The devil.  Scarier still, God.  What?!  Hearing the voice of God is scary?  Yes.  Yes it is.  When you hear His voice, it means He needs you to do something, and the stuff that He needs you to do is almost ALWAYS something you’ve been balking against.  So I’m feeling compelled more and more to share my story of hearing God’s voice.  My fingers are stalling and my brain is telling me not to do this as I’m typing, too.  Devil, you will not win this battle, I’m going to get this done no matter what you do.

Many of you know the struggles I have faced recently.  Many of you don’t.  Talking about these struggles is hard for me.  Who reads my blog?  Who won’t read this?  Who will I need to delete from Facebook after writing this?  (I’m hoping no one, I hope that people read my story for what it is without judgement or condemnation.  I have a few select, not very nice words for ya if you want to be judgmental though.) (Dang!  I thought the devil got me anyway!  I hit a button and my post disappeared!  This thing saves drafts though!  Go God!) It was pointed out to me recently that I have eluded to these struggles without really mentioning them.  So here it goes.

My husband is in prison.  Like all of us, he has made mistakes, and they have real consequences.  The events leading up to him going to prison were SO NOT in our plan.  That’s so often the case, though, isn’t it?  Obviously, his choices in life lead me to have to make choices of my own.  The whole process of him being sentenced to prison took about a year.  When it all started, I was very angry.  I have repressed a lot of that anger.  I have also recently allowed it to come to the surface, fill me up, and then I was able to let it go.  I had to acknowledge it to get rid of it.  Anyway, when this set of struggles started (these aren’t the first struggles of my life and I’m awfully sure they won’t be the last), I was very confused, angry, confused.. oh yeah, I mentioned that already.  I found myself on my knees crying, screaming, shaking my fists at God to give me my perfect little life back.  I finally had everything I wanted.  Good job, marriage, house, we were trying to conceive (TTC).  What could I have possibly done to deserve this.  Why did God hate me so much?  Hadn’t I suffered more than anyone should have to in their life?

For months I was angry and bitter.  I faked it for my husband.  I had already decided to stay with him whatever happened because I don’t believe in divorce.  We had also decided that we were going to continue TTC, because we didn’t want this bad thing to rule our lives.  I know that we decided all these things, but I’m not sure even now how committed I was to them.  I always had a backup plan in mind.  Shortly after all this started… I say shortly, about 8 months after it all started, I decided that I needed something, but I wasn’t sure what.  I was driving to work, or to the store, or somewhere.  I was at the stoplight when I realized that there was a church on the corner.  Literally three blocks from my house.  A few more weeks passed and I decided we were going.  (Awesome decision.)  Immediately we were embraced by the people there.  We were drawn into their family, just like we had been going all our lives.  The things we discussed in church always hit home for me.  I felt myself opening up.  I realize now, that even then God was talking to me.  I just wasn’t listening.  I had stopped listening for Him/to Him.

I say I stopped listening “for Him.”  I thought I’d been listening all my life.  I was constantly waiting for a calling.  Surely he’d tell me what I was going to do in college, what great, wonderful, awesome things I was going to do.  I was going to be a famous lawyer or something, surely…. Right?  Well maybe not.  I had given up on getting a calling.  I thought he didn’t have anything important for me to do.  After becoming a member at Focal Pointe Fellowship, I started growing and learning.  I still need a lot, and I mean A LOT of work, but I grow a little more every day, I feel.  One day, I was driving to or from somewhere.  A voice was in my head, sneering at me.  It was my voice… but not my voice because I’d never talk to myself like that.  It said “You know, Stephenie?  Your life will be so much easier if you leave Andrew.  You don’t need him.  He just brings you down.  All the time.  He’s worthless.”  Oh it was awful, and I’m shaking as I write this.  I shake every time I tell this story.  I immediately realized that was the voice of the Devil.  He had already been working on me.  Wearing me down.  Some days he still works really hard at it.  I told him to get out.  Next thing I knew, I felt so warm and calm.  And a quiet filled me.  Words formed in my head.  Words, but no sound.  They said “Stephenie, you have to stay with your husband.  He needs you.  I need you to stay put.  I have work for you there.  It won’t be easy, but it will be ok.  Trust me.”

Sometimes it’s hard to trust.  And it’s really hard to do the work that you have been given.  Some days I REALLY struggle with it.  Sometimes it is REALLY scary.  Yes, my life would be easier without my current situation.  I just have to look back at the good that has come from it.  That’s also been a struggle.  Finding something good among the rubble that was my life.  Because, honestly, how could any good come from your husband going to prison!?  I found my church.  I have Aubree (thank you, thank you, God), I still have my job, and now I’ve started my master’s program.  Which is a whole ‘nother story entirely.  Remind me and I’ll tell you how I made God laugh on that account when I have time.  Anyway, the moral of the story.  Yes.  I have heard the voice of God.  Yes I am afraid to admit it in today’s society.

 

Defensive Disclaimers:

No, I am not crazy.
No, this is not a plea for attention.
While you’re judging my husband (hopefully you’re not), remember, you’re a sinner too.  No man’s sins are any greater than another man’s sins, and take the plank out of your own eye.
My husband is a good man, a wonderful husband, and a loving father.  I could have done a lot worse.

Aubree Rolls Over

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Oh my goodness!  What a good night.  Aubree is four months and two days old today.  She also rolled over for the first time.  I’m so proud!  I put her on her blanket on her tummy.  She was holding herself up so good so I was going to take a picture.  Well, I turned around to get the camera, and when I turned back around she was on her back.  When I looked at first, she was in a different position, so it was almost like I didn’t see her.  And then I just blinked and looked at her in shock, like “What in the world happened!!”  I realized then that she had rolled over (and I missed it!!!).  Hahaha.  So I put her back on her tummy to see if she’d do it again.  And she did!  So I got my phone ready to take video, put her back on her tummy, and she did it yet again!!!!  I’m so proud.  She has a well baby check this week, so I can’t wait to brag a little to her doctor.  I’m so stoked!!!

Aubree is 4 months old today!

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Yup!  That’s right.  4 whole months!  I can’t even believe it.  We had such a good day too (except for me having a really hard time getting her to nap, at all… until 5-7 when she had to go to bed at 8… bad choice, but she was getting cranky… and for the first time in a long time it took me more than 10 minutes to get her to sleep!  That is neither here nor there I suppose…)  Anyway!  We cuddled a lot, and I took her to Carter’s and got her a little 4 month birthday present!  Her first purse!  She loves it.  She played with it all day.  Then we went to Kohl’s and found me an outfit for her baby dedication.  She slept through that.  Woohoo!  And I got an outfit that was gorgemous!  Anyway!  Let’s get to the important stuff about Miss Aubree!

1. Favorite Foods: Still just formula.  She’s showing some signs of being ready for food food, and Momma got her baby bullet all cleaned up and sterilized today!  Woohoo!!!

2. Favorite Outdoor Activities: Going for walks in the stroller. 

3. Favorite Book: Winnie the Pooh, Classical Disney Stories

4. Favorite Song: Jesus Loves Me (sung by Mimi) and anything Mommy tries to sing, it’s funny!

5. Number of Teeth: None yet!

6. Latest Accomplishments: Pulling myself up, sitting up with support (but less and less everyday), bearing weight on my legs, smiling, lots of personality, taking an interest in my toys, playing with my feet, being a really good girl in social situations, sleeping unswaddled occasionally, putting my hand on Mommy’s mouth when she talks to me, responding by looking when someone speaks to me, and holding onto Mommy when she is carrying me.

7. Words: I swear she said “haha” yesterday.  Emily heard it too!!

8. Favorite Store: Carter’s

9. Favorite Toys: My bunny security blanket, my Winnie-the-Pooh security blanket, and my new purse!

10. Favorite Games: Peek-a-boo, super baby, kissy, and being tickled. 

11. Dislikes: Being in my car seat too long, and being strapped in to where I can’t get to my feet.

12. Loves: Snuggling with Mommy, my new purse, being kissed, being in social situations when I can watch what is going on. 

13. Favorite Animals: My puppies, Seamus and Lola

14. Aubree is sitting up so well.  She loves looking around and being a part of everything.  If she can’t see, she gets maaaad!  She seems to enjoy church (or the attention she gets anyway).  She also likes WWE.  I’m teaching her early!  Her daddy will be proud! 🙂

 

That’s it for today.  I find myself in need of some Oreos!  🙂