I’m a little cranky today and having a hard time remembering all the things that made me so happy yesterday. They just seem a little far away right now and I want today to be over so it can be tomorrow and all the rest of the fun stuff that’s planned for the rest of the week can happen. So I decided it’s time for a little reflection.
Last December, I posted this gem of a blog. Lord have mercy it was a downer. I really felt like I had NOTHING to look forward to. And oh my gosh look at what all has happened!! I’m still in my master’s, my daughter is just fantastic and smart and fun! I shed the dead weight that was just keeping me down. I met the MOST amazing man who quickly became my very best friend. That relationship has taken me places where I never thought I’d go. I am confident and self-assured, but I’m also more empathetic and communicative. I listen better (most of the time) and I’ve grown up a lot with the help of his patience and kindness. I know now how I should be treated, and how to treat someone else the same way.
I became a chaplain which is scary and wonderful and I’m terrified! I’m taking this incredible journey with God and trying really hard to let Him lead my life. I was sitting in church yesterday and my thoughts were wandering a bit (sorry Paul…) and I got to thinking about how I used to not go to church, and used the excuse of not wanting to go alone to not go. “Well I don’t want to sit by myself, so I just won’t go.” That’s just laziness right there, folks. I was sitting in my normal pew, no one else was sitting in the pew with me and I thought about how not wanting to be “alone” kept me from going to church. And I looked around, and even though no one was sitting in the pew with me, I didn’t feel alone. And then I realized it’s because I’m NOT alone. I was in a room full of my friends and family, people who love me and then I also realized that I’m on my way to conquering my fear of being alone. (I’m pretty existential though, so I’ll probably always struggle with that a little.) It probably helps that I spend a lot of time with the aforementioned fantastic man, but I’m not going to over think that, I’m just going to enjoy his company. More than that, God is with me, He always has been. And he’s doing really good things in my life. He is calling me to do something, and I’m not sure what it is yet, I feel like it has a lot to do with my church, being a counselor and disaster relief, but I’m still trying to listen really closely so I can hear what He says. Which means honing my being quiet and listening skills.
I’m a little in disbelief of how negative I was at the beginning of the year to where I am now. How could I have overlooked how amazing Aubree would be? She is picking up words in a day now, and understands the meaning behind them as well. Yesterday I took her little hand and I said “Is this your hand?” And she nodded, and then I said “Are these your fingers?” and then I wiggled her little fingers and then she said “Fingers.” She did that every time after when I asked her what they were. She knows “yellow” (yayyow) “blue” and “green” (geen) too! That alone should have given me a more positive outlook. Sadly it didn’t, and knowing that now, I’ll just have to try really hard to remember to be more grateful for what I have! (And I was cranky at the beginning of this post and I’m already feelin better! See how that works!)
These are the great things going on in my life. God is good. Life is still hard and I don’t always get what I ask for, what I think I need, but He knows, and He is teaching me. It’s my favorite time of the year, and where I was totally unenthused last year, and I still remember how I felt exactly, I’m extremely excited this year. I’m so excited to make it good for Aubree and the people that I love!